My Name is not Aleida

I get it - EVERYONE is getting pummeled by the relentless overseas phone spammers who have zero regard for the National Do Not Call registry. It's frustrating. It's irritating. Number blocking apps provide no relief from the "Congratulations!" voicemails and creepy robo lady messages. The FTC is working furiously to identify and prosecute the registry violators but the process is slow and painful.
     Then there's the added volume you get when some punk named "Aleida" decides to apply for a thousand payday loans and enter your cell number into the web forms. As an individual, there's little you can do other than to inform repeat callers and texters that you're not Aleida.
     There is a technical fix for this problem, but it's not in the individual's power to accomplish. Well, it's two-pronged, really.
     1) Businesses should be required to validate phone numbers entered into web forms before they start calling them and certainly before they sell that number to marketing list agents. This isn't rocket science. If you call the number and someone else than you expected answers, remove it. Trust me, Aleida did not give you my number because she knows me and wants you to be able to find her when she fails to pay back that payday loan. The fact that you turned around and sold my number with Aleida's name attached to it to every telemarketer on the planet is on you, not me, to resolve.
     2) US phone systems should be required to initiate a validation sequence before connecting calls from foreign IP addresses and phone trunks. If the call originates out of the US but displays a US number on the caller ID that isn't registered to a known legal call center, the system should simply drop the call. And so would end the on-going phone scam nightmare that seems to impact mainly senior citizens and lower income Americans. I know, this might cost AT&T all of about $200,000 to implement because the technology is just SO HARD,* but I'm pretty sure they can afford it, as can all the other phone line owners out there. *(This technology already exists.)
    So what can we do as individuals? Not much, but here are few tips:

1. Invest in a call blocker and block the telemarketers who call you more than once from the same number. (Some are dumb enough to do that.) UPDATE 12/2/15 Here's some great advice from, of all places, AARP: http://blog.aarp.org/2015/10/02/blocking-unwanted-phone-calls/?cmp=SL-DSO-OUTBRAIN-DESKTAB-MONEY-MONEYBLOGALTHEAD-MIXED-DIVERS_Stop+Unwanted+Phone+Calls+for+Good%3A+Here%27s+Wha_1121332953_1534127
2. Report Do Not Call Registry violators at https://www.donotcall.gov/complaint/complaintcheck.aspx
3. Let your provider know you have higher expectations from them than simply routing the calls with faked caller IDs to your phone. (Trust me, if subscribers united and threatened to sue providers for billing them for the gazillions of minutes & text messages consumed by spammers they could easily block, they'd respond.)
4. DON'T ANSWER CALLS FROM NUMBERS YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE. If Americans would stop answering these calls and falling for the scams, the scammers would go out of business and our phones would stop disrupting us 15 times a day with bogus cruise prizes and IRS collection threats.

I know that last one is tough. I chastise my 60-something mom often about dropping everything to answer calls from numbers she doesn't know. She still doesn't listen. But if you let those calls roll to your voicemail and no one leaves a message (or the voicemail is left by a robot), you'll know which numbers to block. To make sure my loved ones and work peers were in on the plan, I updated my outgoing message with a funny little blurb to let folks know that I only answer numbers I recognize and always return calls when a human leaves a message explaining who they are and why they're calling. Okay, that last part isn't always true. I recently received a message from an amazingly honest New Yorker telling me it was a telemarketing call and to kindly call back. Sorry but I blocked the number and didn't return that call. Sure, I could've called back and tried to glean enough info to report the guy to the FTC for his DNC list violation, but figured I'd give him a break for being so refreshingly honest.

The Locker Room Saga

More and more news stories are popping up about boys demanding to be allowed access to girls' locker rooms in schools around the country and idiotic school administrators agreeing to this insanity. Not to mention a reported outlandish Obama administration initiative to force acceptance of "transgender" teens into restrooms and locker rooms they're not biologically designed to use. (Tip to these idiots, studies show 70-80% of kids who go through gender issues spontaneously return to their biological gender identity by adulthood.) Yeah, strong words, I know. However, I'm the mother of an 11-year-old girl and, despite my diversity champ background, I have to say my mama bear hackles are not only up but in full defense mode at this point.
     Even if we choose to completely ignore biology when it comes to discussing gender in the interest of making sure the less than 2% of society who suffer gender identity issues get what they want, there is a simple fact that physically boys and girls are different and seeing each other naked can cause some serious trauma for most teens. Geez, my daughter, who used to run the house buck-naked during her Bohemian pre-school years, has a hard time changing costumes in front of the other girls in her dance group, let alone in front of a guy. And she's not alone.
     From 11-18 are the most difficult years for girls when it comes to body image, privacy, and self-image. Puberty does some wacky things to kids' minds. Most girls become more self-conscious while they come to grips with their developing and ever-changing bodies. I used to hide behind my locker door or in a bathroom stall to change for athletics because I had almost no body fat which translated to a boy-like body during my early high school years. Not only did I not want boys to see my flat chest and lack of curves, but I didn't want my female peers to see it, either. The only saving grace was that most of the girls on my basketball team were built like me and eventually I became a LITTLE more comfortable with those curves that seemed so slow to arrive.
     But even now, in my 40's and having seen more than one bare male body part in my life time, it's not something I want forced on me or my child at random. I remember recently getting off a plane after a really long day and, in my state of exhaustion, accidentally wandering into the men's room at the airport. Luckily, before I'd gone too far, a man who was exiting pointed out my mistake. I looked up to see men standing all around the room in front of me in various states of dress, luckily with their backs to me. My face turned deep red and my stomach flip-flopped. I was horrified and embarrassed. I ducked my head and quickly exited, retreating into the ladies' room which was just a zig from my accidental zag. (I loathe open, barely marked restroom entrances, by the way.) Not only was I embarrassed, but so was the man who bumped into me, which tells me we all expect some level of privacy in the restroom. At least from seeing or being seen by the opposite sex.
     That being said, for their own protection we teach our little girls to keep their privates private. We empower young ladies to own their bodies and feel confident that they get to decide who gets to see what and when. Again, this is for their own protection and psychological well-being, not for some bent religious reason but because studies and statistics have proven it is necessary.
     I feel bad for those kids who are confused about their gender. I really do. But not bad enough to allow their confusion to traumatize the many young ladies who are barely coming to grips with what it means to be a biological female in front of others who are actually experiencing the same transition into adulthood. Hair in new places, growing breasts, good curves, bad curves, pads & tampons - these are all new things teens are dealing with during the delicate process of going from girl to woman. The LAST THING they want is to be subjected to some BOY'S THING during that process. And let's face it, those things aren't pretty, which could scar some girls for life if forced to see them before they're ready. Accommodating a confused boy who is, again, 70-80% likely to change his mind about wanting to be a girl before reaching adulthood, is NOT a valid excuse for traumatizing hundreds of young ladies by forcing them to disrobe in front of him in order to get to PE on time. "Feeling like" or "identifying as" a girl does not a girl make. Lack of a penis is what qualifies one to use the girls' room in any facility designed for the explicit use of minors or barely legal FEMALE teens.
     Should schools attempt to accommodate the gender confused when the issue arises? Absolutely! But only in a way that is considerate of the majority of students who understand that gender is biologically defined by the plumbing you were equipped with at birth. Well, that and the gametes your body produces to match that plumbing. Equality implies providing equal protection to all, not bowing to the demands of one or two who choose to be different. Allowing young men who wear dresses into the girls' locker room isn't going to improve life for anyone involved. It's not going to make that young man feel better about himself, and is more likely to have the effect of increasing his identity issues and depression when he sees girls developing the body parts naturally that he can only obtain through expensive surgery. Having been a girl who saw a young man's body part for the first time, I can assure you the locker room is not the time and place to introduce the franks and beans to a young woman. So, in short, accommodation should include access to private locker rooms and restrooms if the transgender teen isn't comfortable changing among his or her biological gender peers. Providing access to the opposite gender's areas is NOT the solution and would only do more harm than good for both the transgender and those who have to share a room with him or her.
     While the science is not conclusive, there are multiple on-going studies linking the early on-set of puberty as well as deviant, dangerous or even criminal sexual behavior to early exposure to images of opposite sex or sexually-explicit nudity. (Parental nudity at a very young age being the exception.) In case you're wondering - this is not healthy.
    Another personal story: I accidentally walked in on my dad sleeping in his tighty whities during my early teen years. There was a tent. I was never quite the same and, roughly thirty years later have yet to successfully eradicate that image from my mind. I would not wish that on any other young girl for any reason. Ever. And that's all I have to say about that.

Microsoft's Mobile Dilemma

Just about anyone who has actually used a Windows Phone will tell you: they're amazing devices. The user interface, security, stability and data synchronization capabilities are unrivaled in the mobile market. The phones also boost near seamless integration with Office365, SharePoint and OneDrive, meaning you can stay productive without whipping out your laptop or tablet. The mobile versions of Office are surprisingly useful, allowing you to even zoom into and edit Excel files while standing in line at the coffee shop. Some devices, like the Nokia Lumia 1020, even feature better than DSLR quality cameras with the up to 40 mpx Carl Zeiss lens and amazing Lumia Camera app with burst photo support and HD-quality videos. Throw on the mobile version of PhotoShop and you can leave that $1000 bulky camera at home. With IE on board, most web pages run without issue, assuming you can handle desktop content on the smaller screen.

So why on earth is Microsoft unable to get this amazing piece of technology out of third? My opinion (based on a couple of decades of technology field experience) is Microsoft is their own worst enemy, and here's why:

1. They've gotten into the nasty habit of releasing their best phones exclusively through AT&T. Hey, Microsoft! You only have a paltry 3.6% share of the smartphone market share. AT&T only serves about a third of all mobile phone users and are generally running neck and neck with Verizon. (In addition, AT&T store employees push Android despite your "exclusive" agreements.) T-Mobile and Sprint split the remaining third. Why on earth would you choose to ignore about 66% of your potential customers? It's not like you're the big dog and can afford to cherry pick in the mobile market. What amazes me is that this method has done nothing year after year but alienate loyal Windows Phone users who refuse to be forced into complete financial servitude to the traditionally non-customer-friendly AT&T corporate machine, but also leaves little room to gain market share among those mobile users most likely to be open to platform changes. Why? Because when someone is ready to upgrade their phone, they go to the provider's web site or brick & mortar store and explore the devices available. New smartphone buyers lean toward the lowest cost device that they can get for the least out of the pocket up front expenditure. That means that they need to see a device is available through their provider's store and financing programs. Even better if their provider offers the device for free with a plan or for $50 or less. (Hint, this is how Android took over the once Apple-dominated market.) Now, Microsoft seems to think that releasing their flagship Windows 10 devices through the Microsoft Store in addition to AT&T will give them greater reach into the market place. Really? How many Microsoft Store locations are there out there? Oh, yeah, there's less than 110 Microsoft Stores in the United States and a large number are small "best of" stores that carry only small tablets, a few phones and a ton of video games. In a country that boasts well over 3000 COUNTIES (not cities), this leaves the Windows Phone largely unseen by the majority of potential buyers. (About 60%)
2. Their advertising/marketing sucks. Microsoft is notoriously incapable of creating a successful marketing campaign for their small devices. Anyone remember the Zune? Technically superior to the iPod at a lower cost, it failed miserably mainly because no one knew it existed. Those who did see a commercial about it saw it being used by an unattractive dork who had to ride his bike to pick up pizza and lived in a crappy little apartment. Yeah, I want to be just like that nerd. NOT! Meanwhile, Microsoft left marketing for the Windows Phone up to the providers that they shunned with their top device releases. Let's not forget, AT&T was still advertising mostly iPhones despite their exclusive flagship device agreements with MS. After that, they pushed Samsung very hard and still are today. I've met college freshmen who can come up with a better marketing plan than that. So while Xbox has flourished from multimillion dollar, well-focused marketing campaigns, MS has just about completely ignored using those same skills with the Windows Phone, yet continue to act confused about why it hasn't fared better with America's heavily media-obsessed consumers. Really? Where's the Xbox tie-in? The "better selfies with Windows Phone" campaign? The celebrity endorsements - by someone under the age of Methuselah?" (A Kardashian, maybe?)
3. Speaking of selfies - when MS did finally wake up and realize they'd gain greater adoption by releasing a lower cost phone to compete with Android, they blew it big time. The top uses of smartphones by the largest market of gotta-have-the-latest-gadget consumers (i.e. teens and young adults) include taking/posting selfies and playing music. So what does Microsoft do to capture this massive potential market? Remove the front-facing camera and enhanced stereo speakers from their lower cost phones, of course! Wouldn’t you? Seriously, MS, you would've been better off ripping Office from those phones to reduce the cost. No self-respecting Gen Y'er or Millennium is going to buy a phone without a front-facing camera in this day and age. You can't give that kind of phone away. Not even to a kid.
4. Which takes me to the next Microsoft fumble at the goal line. Microsoft Family Safety is awesome. One of the best tools a parent can have in this digital age. Cortana, too, is really awesome. So, I buy a Windows Phone for my kid. I set it up, knowing her Xbox music and movies will sync and thinking "I can use the find my phone feature to track her down if she gets lost." She's 11. Getting lost is really less of a worry than her wondering off to a friend's house without permission or getting snatched up by some creep in the park. I'm also looking forward to the quiet hours putting an end to the 24x7 calls from moderately-developed countries that constantly violate the US do not call list rules. Okay, that and angst-ridden middle-school preteens who have no grasp of "no calls after bedtime" proclamations. She wants to use her phone as an alarm clock so she can constantly change the alarm tone. (This helps, trust me.) We get the phone, set it up, boot…"Sorry, you're too young for Cortana." (Well, that's the summary, anyway.) What no one at Microsoft bothered to mention was that not only is Cortana disabled for users under 13, but it also shuts down a good number of the useful features like find my phone, quiet hours, and "you need to get moving if you don't want to miss the bus" reminders. Combine that with the continued failure to roll Family Safety fully out to the Windows Phone, and basically paid $100 for a device that gets email, answers calls and can send text messages. I could've gotten that for free with the Android of the week. Not only do I feel completely cheated as a parent, but have to think that most parents are going to buy their pre-teen an iPhone or Android device that doesn't suffer from these crippling feature cuts based on the user's age. Microsoft, I get that you're trying to do the right thing in terms of Federal child protection laws, but you've done it at the cost of handing an entire generation over to your competitors because most kids have developed platform loyalty long before they turn 13.
5. Finally, Microsoft has gotten themselves shut out of the app market by failing to successfully romance developers early on. The only way out of this conundrum is to improve market share, which the pathetic lack of apps is going to make very difficult. If MS wants to improve this, they're going to need to find a way to entice top app developers to include them, or provide a shell to run apps built for iOS or Android.

So, to sum up: Microsoft has single-handedly managed to alienate potential loyal customers by:

• Restricting best in class device availability to less than 40% of the marketplace
• Failing to invest in advertising to tell the other 60% their platform exists, and
• Leaving out key features for important market segments.

What I'd like to see MS do to remedy the problem and give this outstanding mobile platform the life it deserves:

• Provide a "free" device that offers a low res front-facing camera and decent stereo output to incent new mobile customers to try the platform. MS could bring the per device licensing cost down by removing Office from the device (but providing users an option to buy it via the Windows Store instead). Yeah, I know the devices aren't free. However, because Google doesn't charge a huge fee to license their OS, hardware vendors like Samsung are able to offer nice devices running Android at a low enough cost that the mobile providers can afford to give them away in exchange for a new service contract. Again, this is how Android took over the mobile world. It was certainly not because they build the best devices.
• Make deals with Verizon, T-Mobile and Sprint to sell the devices and provide store employees training and incentives so they can properly sell them. Trust me, this has worked for Apple who was smart enough to realize they'd need to expand beyond AT&T to hang onto their market share.
• Market the device to kids and parents as the safest choice. To accomplish this, they need to do two things:
1. Fix Cortana so it complies with Federal child protection laws without disabling it. This would mean they'd need to reduce the data Cortana stores in the cloud about a child or prevent apps from accessing that data without a parent's permission. Most important to parents based on user forum feedback is 1) Find My Phone and 2) Quiet Hours. Re-enabling Cortana's reminder service is somewhat important as well.
2. REALLY deploy Microsoft Family Safety to Windows Phone. This would give parents the option to manage which sites and apps kids can access just like parents can do on the desktop today.
• Provide an emulator so iOS or Android developer's apps will run on Windows Phone, then entice those devs to include their apps in the Windows Store. No extra pain for devs + opening another revenue source = pathetic app landscape problem resolved. Let's face it MS, if users can't swipe for a potential date or participate in Disney contests, they aren't going to buy your phone. (And no, they don't realize the websites work on your phone. They want their apps, dammit!)
• Finally, stop trying to copy everyone else. Rumors about adopting Android don't help you, MS. In fact, it makes you look a little bit desperate and pathetic. Not only do you need to flex some of that financial muscle you have to let people know your platform is awesome, but you need your executive team to buy in philosophically as well.

Since Ballmer took over following Gates' retirement, MS has done nothing but give into knee jerk reactions to competitors' success. They've given up on nurturing their really cool technology and investing in marketing to ensure adoption, instead looking for instant wins and bailing out on good ideas before they've had a chance to take hold. Windows owns the desktop because it really is the best OS out there AND because Bill Gates was passionate about his mission to make it available to everyone. He focused on making it user-friendly and sold it cheaper than competing operating systems. That got the individual consumer's attention. He also marketed the heck out of it for a very long time until it finally took off. Microsoft, take note. THAT's the formula that works. Keep building great products, invest in reaching consumers and ignore what's working for your competitors today. This isn't a field of dreams - you have to do more than just build it for the consumers to come. You need to believe in your own technology and show EVERYONE it's there and why it's cool or you'll never get out of third place. My last tip: shell out the big bucks for a marketing company that thinks like a consumer. Ditch the nerd ads, PLEASE!

Why I Struggle with "She"

It seems like such a little thing, just a pronoun. The definition is simple, isn't it? A few years ago, maybe, but not any more. I'm a woman, a science geek, a writer and a huge champion of diversity. I believe in following the rules: not just the legislated kind, but even basic things like the MLA. (Bad grammar yanks me out of my reader's reverie like a bomb going off by my head.) These are all things that make the changes to the use of the word "she" extraordinarily difficult for me. The biggest factor of all: I'm the mother of a pre-teen girl.
     In the wake of major cultural tidal waves like the Bruce to Caitlyn transition, the word "she" has suddenly lost it's way. You see, the "I am Cait" star has stirred a PC whirlwind that demands we address the man formerly known as Bruce as a woman, which also demands we use the words "she" and "Ms." when referring to Jenner 2.0.

     Despite my dedication to diversity and treating the LGBT community like anyone else, this just doesn't feel right. Here's why: "She" means the subject you're discussing is a woman or girl. The question is, how do you define a "woman?" According to Oxford Dictionary, a "woman" is "an adult human female." Note that Oxford doesn't say a woman is defined by a pair of boobs, long hair and high-heeled shoes, or even a battery of supplemental hormones. It is not defined by which gender you choose to date or to whom you feel sexual attraction. A woman is an adult human FEMALE. Nothing more, nothing less.

     So, how do we define a "female?" Again, referring to Oxford, a female is "distinguished biologically by the production of gametes (ova) that can be fertilized by male gametes." (Male gametes are known as sperm.) The scientist side of me says, "this shouldn't be confusing." Gender reassignment surgery does a lot, but it doesn't make you female. Not today. No matter what is done to the physical appearance of genitalia, no surgery today is capable of causing a male body to create female gametes (ova).
     As a woman and a mother watching a pre-teen hit puberty, I'm almost offended that anyone would have the audacity to believe that what makes me a woman, or my beautiful daughter a future woman, is a hole between our legs and a couple of mounds of fat we hide under our bras. There is a right of passage to becoming a woman, even for those who don't end up able to reproduce. We all go through it. Puberty for men is waking up to find new smells emanating from strange places, increased muscle mass and hair where it never grew before. For us ladies, it's so much more than that.
     First, there's the hair and odors, sure. Then there's the slow growth of those breasts that Caitlyn obtained for a few dollars and a few hours under the knife. Getting your buds is a big deal for a girl. It signifies your initial transition to womanhood and signals your mom that it's time to have that discussion about an upcoming need to carry feminine products in your purse. Even more difficult - it's time to talk about how to use them. You suddenly become very conscious of how different you really are from the boys. It's much more than a question of who pees standing up or which clothing section you shop in.
     Then your monthly visitor makes it's first arrival. There's fear, there's pain, there's nausea and tears. You bloat and can't squeeze into your clothes. Your hair and skin seem to belong to someone else. Places that once were firm and toned soften, take on curves. You are clearly different from your male peers. You no longer feel okay about using a bathroom marked with the wrong symbol because, frankly, the thought of having to manage your feminine needs with a guy in the next stall is mortifying. You become closer to your girl friends who are going through the same transition and see boys in a new light. New feelings overtake your stomach, your arms, your legs, your soul.
     You develop new instincts, new insecurities and new desires. Something innate, scientifically driven by your body's production of ova and all the chemical and physical changes required to support that process, drives you toward the truth of womanhood. Emotions become more intense. You cry more. You want to raise a puppy, kitten, some tiny rodent. Your nurturing instincts drive you to learn to be a good mother by practicing with a pet, but you don't understand that just yet.
     Time progresses and more elements of the female right of passage to womanhood transpire.  You fall in love, you get hurt, you bounce back. You find that your body will never be what others demand, or even what you want. You learn how to depend on your girlfriends and your mom. Those female bonds become stronger and more important to you. You begin to experience the roadblocks that so many women encounter: at school, at work, everywhere in between. You learn to cope with the ups and downs of being a woman - of pushing through doors that are only open to men and closing those of yours that men try to force open.
    You see, being a woman isn't a title you obtain through something as simple as a surgery. I don't doubt that there are men out there who feel intensely like they are female. Scientifically speaking, though, there is a significant difference between how you feel and what you biologically are. Does that mean I don't think men have the right to buy a pair of breasts and a vagina, dress in women's clothes and identify themselves as a transgender? No, it doesn't.* We all have the right to live as we choose to live. However, I think more consideration needs to be given to the fact that forcing others to call you a "woman," "she" or "Ms." when you haven't earned it through that pre-teen right of passage may be inadvertently offensive to those who have, or who are going through it now. You see, by doing so, you're basically telling us that being a woman is simply a matter of a few outward physical traits and the type of clothes you wear, reducing us to the same sexist view we have battled for generations to overcome. To that, whether I want to or not, I take offense.
   Sorry, Caitlyn Jenner, I cannot in good conscience refer to you as "she" regardless of what you and the politically correct elite demand.
    *For those sure to attack me for my views, it's important to note that I have always been a supporter of equality for the LGBT community. However, when my kid does something that offends others, I stand against it and correct her out of love because EVERYONE deserves the same level of respect. This is one of those moments. As such, this has been one of the toughest pieces I've ever written.

Psst! There Really is NO "Weird Trick"

While there is a lot of great content on the internet, there's even more out there designed to trick you into visiting a web page you probably don't want to see. Generally, they're just ads disguised as news. Often these pages are so heavily laden with ads they'll barely load, all in hopes that you will accidentally click one or more of the ads so the page owner will get paid for your click. Some have more insidious intent, ranging from loading malware on your machine for malicious kicks to hijacking your data and possibly your identity. Some take control of your device and attempt to blackmail you into paying them to give it back. (Tip: don't pay. Ditch the device instead.)
     So, the next time you're browsing and you see "Sponsored Content" or a series of headlines that use these key phrases, avoid the temptation and JUST DON'T CLICK IT. Be sure and teach your kids how to identify fake headlines, too.

• What happened next will Make Your Jaw Drop/Surprise You/Shock You: This one is slightly true - you'll be absolutely shocked and surprised when your machine crashes and the tease photo has nothing to do with where you land.
• A Brilliant/Surprising Way to Pay Off Credit Cards/Mortgage/Debt: Yeah, these are inevitably ads for "credit counseling" services who will charge you massive fees and likely leave you worse off than you started. Want to get rid of debt? There are only two legal, effective options: 1) Pay more than your minimum balance each month and 2) file bankruptcy (requires you meet certain eligibility requirements).
• _________'s Tip has Banks/Mortgage Companies On Edge/Angry/Worried: This page will likely send you to a "story" that offers links to a "service" that will collect your personal financial/identity data. If you want to refinance your mortgage or debt, stick with a legal, insured, reputable financial organization and skip the internet "tips and tricks." Sadly, often the famous person quoted has no idea his or her name has been used in the ad.
• New Site Reveals All: These headlines normally prompt you to look yourself up. Naturally they will find data that is blatantly erroneous and/or your private information they've scraped from a poorly secured government site or other service that has your info. Guess what? They'll also offer to hide/protect/correct your information for a not-so-nominal endlessly recurring fee. Instead of paying that fee, email CSERVICE@USSEARCH.COM and let them know you'll be happy to participate in a class action lawsuit for violation of the privacy act if they don't stop publishing your private data immediately. (Yep, all those sites tie back to the same company. Shocker!) When they ask you for more information to remove you from their searches, don't provide anything they don't already obviously have.
• Drivers Feel Foolish or Don't Know This Simple Trick: Ad for an insurance quote from a questionable provider.
• How This <insert person or item> Is Disrupting <insert industry>: Just another ad disguised as news.
• <Insert #> Shocking/Interesting/Jaw Dropping/Never Seen Photos: Usually leads you to a slide show so rife with ads the pictures don't actually load. They're rarely anything new.

The short of it is, if the headline is seriously sensationalistic or too good to be true stories about "other people," it's likely a fake or an ad.

Please, Get Off My Screen Already!

There's media saturation, then there's just plain excess. These "stories" just really need to go away already. Maybe it's because they aren't really that interesting or they're just on our glowing screens way too often. Either way, they're all people, places or things that need to let go of their pixelated real-estate so something truly valuable can take their place. You've certainly exceeded your 15 minutes when even my all-things-flashy-loving pre-teen says, "What's the big deal about ____?"

In no particular order:

• Kim Kardashian's selfies. Seriously, when you've taken enough pictures of YOURSELF to fill a book, it's time to seek some help for your narcissistic personality disorder. Sadly, the profit machines in this country are highly dependent upon our obsession with all things vain and will continue to force-feed us images of the far-from-natural beauty who has nothing to contribute to our society beyond guidance on properly editing your photos to hide your flaws. Great job teaching future generations to appreciate themselves for who they really are.
• Mylie Cyrus' tongue. And breasts. Or any other part that's exposed with the intent to "shock" us. Madonna already did all of that. No one is shocked any more - just sad Hanna Montana has sunk so low that we have to eliminate her from our kids' lives. Let's face it, you're this year's Lohan. Which begs the further question: Disney Channel, why the heck are you bringing back Hannah Montana? What are moms supposed to tell their eight-year-olds when they ask why they can't go to her concert? At least first-run HM fans are old enough for her R-rated content now. But hey, let's introduce a whole new generation to Miley and sit back and laugh while their parents try to explain that painted boob!
• Donald Trump's opinions. We are not going to vote for you for President. Ever. Because you're nuts. Clear the road so someone truly qualified for the job actually has a running chance.
• Hilary Clinton. Ditto. Especially now that you've taken a selfie with Kim Kardashian. Your desperate cling to your old sense of power has simply become sad. Oh, and you're not the smartest woman in the country. Not even close. Smart women actually obey the law instead of concocting irritatingly dismissive excuses for breaking it. (Veiled reference to "I wasn't thinking about [it]" defense. Try THAT ONE the next time you get pulled over for running a stop sign.) Rather than pursuing another Presidential bid, you might consider straightening out your legal problems and keeping the interns away. Oh, and they have vitamins to help you out with that "not thinking" problem you have. Personally, I would like to believe the next leader of my country possesses sufficient mental acumen to follow security protocols designed to protect the lives of millions of my countrymen in the process of performing his or her duties.
• Caitlyn/Bruce Jenner. Whoever you are. Just because you had surgery doesn't make you a woman. Spend a week every month post-puberty lying in bed moaning in pain and bloated like a puffer fish and MAYBE we'll count you among our masses. Boobs and make-up do not make you female. Your interpretation of womanhood is actually a little insulting, to be honest and it's kind of sad you're getting so much attention from the media for doing something many have done before you, since 19-freaking-30. Then again, so does any other train wreck.
• Global warming. Guess what? Temperatures go up and down over hundreds of years. We're not even approaching historical peaks. Ice caps melt and refreeze on a fairly regular, centuries-long schedule. We're more likely to suffer from an ice age before melting ice caps become a real issue. Given the repeated droughts and lack of water so many communities suffer lately, the added atmospheric humidity (that stimulates rain) is probably a good thing. Let's face it, folks: Those pushing global warming as a serious issue are also key investors in environmental research companies. (That includes the ersatz environmentalist smoking ciggies in the White House's backyard.) They just need the rest of us to buy-in to secure their retirement plans, which will assuredly involve a gas guzzling Bentley and a home that burns enough fossil-fuel-generated power to light a small country.
• Kanye West. Dude, you're more nuts than Donald Trump. No sane person wants to hear your opinion, especially since it was clearly guided by a heavy dose of questionably legal "herbs." The only reason they put you on stage at awards ceremonies is because it's guaranteed to bump up ratings when you go off on another Mad Hatter-esque rant. You are no more qualified to run for President than my 11-year-old. Here's to hoping that little "announcement" was really just a teaser for your next artistic project. The world would certainly breathe a collective sigh of relief. On the flip side, his loved ones really should step in and get him help before he suffers a real meltdown.
• The Molestors. Josh and Jared should rent a room in the creepy-guy rehab hotel and leave the rest of us alone. Honestly, append any first name to "Duggar" and, frankly, we're already bored with you. Instead of documenting every little offense JD & JF have committed against family and religion, why don't we apply our attention toward helping the victims of these slimeball's crimes? FYI media mongrels: the occasional bad seed does not controvert the entire Christian doctrine, nor convict the entire community. There are hypocrites in every group. Stop pointing at him and any other nut-job claiming to be Christian then acting otherwise as proof the whole lot (85% of your countrymen) are bad.
• i-Anything. So 2000. Folks, even the third-place Windows phone is drastically better. You're just all too brain-washed by the clever fruit commercials to realize you're over-paying for a device made famous by a "Fart Machine" app. I'm still amazed the sheeple herd is willing to put their financial life on the same network for three of the top five data leaks in recent history. (Yes, that's where all those nude celeb selfies came from, and you're giving them your credit cards to "protect." Brilliant.)
• Deflate-gate. Really this wasn't big news to start with, but it's pretty #$%^& hilarious how the media has clung to the story. Especially after science has almost completely let the wind out of the whole conflict's balls. (Sorry, I had to.)
• Christine Ouzounian. Her only claim to fame is she may have slept with her boss, who happens to be famous. Why are we treating a shameless home-wrecker, (or wannabe, depending on which story you believe), like a celebrity? Christine, get in line. The world is riddled with "other women." You are not special and really, if you have no improvements to offer our society via your presence, should stop waving at the paparazzi and staging photo ops. (FYI - being pretty does not, in itself, improve our society.)
• Ferguson, MO. You all freaked out because a violent, strung-out gang-banger got himself shot by a white cop while doing stupid, illegal things that would get most of us shot, gun or no gun in hand. True, there may be a systemic issue between the community and the cops, but the continued focus on a bad seed who suffered the natural consequences of his poor choices just makes it look like someone's pushing for an extra five minutes of screen time rather than trying to effect real improvements. Let's shift our attention to the right issues and stop talking about "unarmed" Michael Brown a year+ later. Yes, it sucks that the police shoot people when they aren't armed, but the real problem is that the community has zero respect for them and there may or may not be a good reason why. Their designated martyr is certainly not that good reason, and may actually be reducing the effectiveness of the whole community's cry for help.

What is Feeding Your Kid's Mind?

Still in Mom007 mode until my child turns 18 AND moves out of my house, I of course follow the same entities online that she's likely to subscribe to once I let her join the social world. Yep, I will be governing what she's allowed to follow and banning those that post/tweet/whatever inappropriate content.
     The field of approved social posters is getting very narrow these days. I've noticed a trend in teen-oriented organizations to over sexualize their content, despite the fact that it's aimed at people who aren't legally old enough to give consent. This completely baffles me.
     Take Teen Vogue's recent tweet, for example:

    Follow the link and you'll find an article first informing us how the rap wasn't included or needed in the original video release, then celebrating the fact it had been added and directing us to watch the video that not only features the proclaimed "gorgeous" rapper but also includes "explicit lyrics."
     You're a magazine for teens. Teens are not legally of the age of consent, so why the heck are you encouraging them to view explicit material? Obviously, unless they grow a collective brain among their writers, Teen Vogue will be off my daughter's list until she's at least thirty. (Okay, or legally of age.) Seriously, are the key contributors Jared Fogle and his friends? (Sorry, I had to go there.)
     Being a teen is hard enough without being constantly barraged by adults who seem to think encouraging kids to engage in sexual activities is okay. Yeah, I know there are plenty of teens who are having sex out there. They're also getting pregnant and failing to raise their own kids. They're getting STDs and dying young. They're simply not mature enough to make a reasonable decision when it comes to sex, but it seems like the pressure for them to do so is coming in from every angle and we, their parents, are letting it happen.
     Parents, it's perfectly okay to limit what your kids see, especially during the critical hormone-driven teen years (13-18). It's also important to talk to your kids about the difference in healthy sexual behavior and what the media tries to sell them, because, let's face it, no matter how careful you are, they're going to see things they shouldn't. (Hulu, why ARE you advertising "Masters of Sex" during "Once Upon a Time," which is popular among 10-15 year-olds?)
     Ideally, we need to fight back. Don't just unsubscribe from those media outlets that subject your kid to adult themes, but let them know why you're no longer going to do business with them. If they hear enough of it, they will eventually respond. If we parents, as a group, stand up for our kids and end the revenue stream to those businesses who continually expose our kids to sexual or other inappropriate content, they will respond. Finally, write to your government representatives. This is happening because Federal Law has become incredibly lax in regards to content regulation over the past five or six years. Nudity, language, sexual content that were restricted in the early 2000's are now open game under the latest FCC regulations during peak kid-watching hours and among kid "friendly" outlets.
     At the very least, pay attention. ABC Family is not "family" programming. Teen magazines aren't necessarily teen-friendly. Screen the content before you let your kids view it. Ban anything that serves to brain-wash them into becoming the next willing victim of a predator or STD. BE A PARENT. So what if they think you're uncool? One day they'll understand. Maybe not until they have kids of their own to protect, but it will happen some day. And talk to them about those things they do see. Cover the hard topics, like gender issues and STDs. Remember, if you're not talking to them, someone else will, and you may not like what they have to say to your kid.

My Favorite Moms Have Faults

I know, moms are supposed to have perfect hair, cook in four-inch heels and wear a sparkly cape. I read that 50's manual explaining feminine domestic perfection. Okay, I read the first few paragraphs, spewed milk out my nose and moved on before I keeled over from laughter.
     Thanks to the pioneering efforts of our parents' sitcoms, we moms do feel a lot of pressure to live mistake-free, perfect parent lives. Since I get to carry 100% of the financial burden and 90%+ of the time raising my child, I, like most single moms, feel this pressure even more acutely.
     Or, at least I did, until I realized the women I look up to as great moms suffer from moments of imperfection, too. Here are some of my favorite foible-friendly moms:

• Late for her own funeral mom. One of my favorite people in the whole world, this mom would give you the shirt off her own back if you needed it. You may have frozen to death by the time she arrives with it, but still, she'd do her best. Of course, the reason she's late is probably because she's still trying to finish helping someone else out again.
• Gossip mom. Gotta love her! She knows EVERYTHING that's going on with EVERYONE. At least once a week she swears off Facebook forever because of all the TMI. Oh, wait. Didn't she start that thread in the first place?
• Take-over mom. Regardless of what's going on or whose kid it involves, this mom is certainly going to be in charge in short order. Sometimes that's an awesome thing. Except when it involves cleaning the family's undies.
• The terrible chef. Her kids' hair is always perfect, their grades are perfect, their clothes are sparkling clean...and they're all under 50th percentile in weight. You thought it was her amazing child-rearing skills, until you tried her casserole. (That WAS a casserole, right?)
• Discombobulated mom. She's the life of every party and her kids are a joy to be around. She is a shining example of positivity and clearly raising the most emotionally well-adjusted children on the planet. BUT, when you're cell rings and her name pops up, you can bet she's stuck on the side of the road because she forgot to put the gas in the car or needs you to watch her kids while she retraces the day's steps to locate her misplaced wallet.
• Messy mom. To the outside world, she is the picture of perfection and so are her kids. Until they've spent 10 minutes at your house and leave a trail of destruction behind them. Having given up the fight long ago, she shrugs her shoulders and offers you cash to pay a cleaning crew. And now we know why no one has been in her house in three years - which was about the time her youngest discovered the joy of confetti eggs.
• Carousel mom. She's an awesome person, dedicated to her kids, husband and church. She helps others often, keeps a perfect house and somehow always manages to know what's going on and does it while dressed just right. Unfortunately, friendship is a fleeting thing. One moment you're on the carousel, the next it's moved on. Oh wait, it's back around again. Love this mom...now if I can just catch the pony with the pink saddle, I'll get to see her more.

     Despite what Instagram, Pinterest and Facebook try to tell us, there's no such thing as the perfect mom. The greatest people in the world are flawed in some form or fashion. Maybe they know it, maybe they don't. The best ones revel in their flaws and appreciate yours.
     Remember this the next time you consider berating some poor mom and her latest mishap as a parent: if her kids survived and no one landed in jail, it's probably not worth your derision. Appreciate moms for the fact that they are just mere humans with extraordinary responsibilities and the wherewithal to tackle them without complaining (much).

Nice Kids Are Winners

I opened Twitter this morning and the first thing I noticed was the AP post talking about Rosie O'Donnell's lost teen. While this situation in itself is the kind that rips every loving parent to the core, I was sickened to see a number of comments and replies that ran along the following lines:

• Rosie is so fat she must've eaten the missing kid
• Rosie is so awful the kid probably ran away
• Let's hope the child got away safely

????????? REALLY ??????????

 





     I don't care what you think about Rosie, those types of responses demonstrate a complete lack of human emotion and are just plain awful. I'm no huge Rosie fan myself, (no offense to any readers who are), but using a story about her lost child who suffers from a known mental illness as an opportunity to insult her is simply cruel and arises, I am convinced, from being raised in an environment where being nice was never a priority.

     The type of person who responds to another person's tragedy with snark, and let's face it, there are a lot of them out there, was most likely raised by one of two types of parents: indulgers or abusers. Honestly, there's a very thin line that separates the two.

     We all know what an abuser looks like: they've rarely got anything nice to say to their kids (or others) and are often way too liberal with the corporal punishment. Indulgers, on the other hand, rarely punish their kids in any consistent, meaningful way and rarely require them to show any sort of manners toward their fellow humans.

     Let's take some of the dance moms at my daughter's studio, for example.  Most of the dance moms are perfectly normal, excellent parents who are lucky enough to have the funds and time to support their girls in one of the most expensive and time intensive activities out there. Then there is the little trio who go above and beyond the term "dance mom." They've convinced themselves and their progeny that they are the absolute best and that no one should get in their way of success. (I'm not really sure what constitutes "success" for a 10-year-old, but, you get my point.) If any other dancer is unfortunate enough to be more talented or work hard enough to out-perform their babies, they don't hesitate to express their disdain towards that child and/or her parents, as well as anyone else who befriends their target. Their daughters take note and freely gossip about the other girl(s), lie to get them in trouble, and insult them directly at every opportunity. If anyone points out the child's bad behavior, they too will be labeled "crazy" and targeted for elimination from the group.

     Not being of the MRS-breed myself, (that's Marry Rich Someday), my parents instilled in me a deep understanding of the golden rule and the importance it carries in achieving success. I've raised my daughter the same way. Not that she enacts it perfectly, but she certainly understands that not only is it important, but mandatory while living in the world I fund for her. Some have tsk-tsk'd the concept, sure that being nice will ultimately get my daughter trampled in both the dance and the real world. They are mistaking being nice for being a doormat. They are not the same.

     The most successful people in America are generally nice. They're tough, they're direct and they're focused, but they're nice most of the time. What this means is that they treat other people the way they expect, no, want to be treated. They keep vitriolic thoughts to themselves, or at least find a kind or professional way to express their disapproval. They stand up for others and what's right.

     Here are a few real world example scenarios and their outcomes:

1. The diva dancer and self-appointed leader jumped down the rest of her team's throats because she thought they were on the wrong count. An argument ensued between her and one of her co-minions, who has also been taught she is the world's greatest gift to dance. My daughter, long ago having had any sense of diva exorcised, (who is also six inches taller than the other two), told them to break it up and explained to them how important it was to treat each other like family if they wanted to be successful as a team. She went back to the choreographer, got the correct timing, and practice resumed. Now the rest of the team (a dozen other girls) are looking to her as their leader, not the divas. My daughter is good, but not the best dancer. She is, however, nice and confident enough to stand up for herself and others when it matters.
2. A boy I watched grow up was assured of his future greatness in football. His dad was a collegiate player and told him frequently that success in the sport was guaranteed because it was "in his genes." He was often awarded starting positions with little effort, based purely on his size and natural talent. Then he got to high school. He wasn't willing to work as hard as his peers and demanded the world (coach) bend to his whims. He quickly found himself facing a future on the bench, if he earned a jersey at all. He begrudgingly learned to put his head down, work hard, respect the coach and ensure his teammates did the same. By the time he graduated high school, he was a once again a starter and weighing several scholarship offers.
3. The school bully decided the tall, pretty blond was taking too much of her attention. She engaged in a social media campaign against her. The tall pretty blond was one of those girls who simply didn't know how awesome she was and paid no attention to the online bullying - even laughed it off while sending smiley faces back to her detractors and well-wishes to all.  She believed in treating others better than they expected or deserved. Homecoming court elections came and guess which of the two girls ended up representing her class as their Homecoming Princess? (Underclassmen at their school only got to choose one.) You got it, the nice girl. When it came to submitting a name, most of her classmates considered how well she treated them and how good they felt around her and happily wrote her onto the ballot.
4. When I was in high school, I worked my butt off and got promoted to the varsity basketball team as a sophomore. The first time the coach sat down the starter, a junior, to put me in, her mom spent the entire 15 minutes insulting me and the coach. Her daughter followed suit. I started the next game. And the next. And the next... (It helped that I focused on my skills and scored 20+ points per game along with always saying "Yes sir" when Coach spoke.) I spent the next two years serving as co-captain of the team.

     The short of it is, nice kids win. Whether they're playing a sport, running a school campaign, or competing for a spot on the stage, nice kids have a clear advantage over their mean opponents. You see, coaches, directors, choreographers, agents, teachers - you get the drift - prefer to work with people who have strong moral ethics and are, well, nice. Not weak, just nice. College recruiters commonly review potential recruits' social media accounts and automatically nix anyone who displays a hateful attitude or bullying behaviors online. Teaching your child to wage a war against that kid who is the better dancer is only going to expedite her failure. Why? She's busy expending her energy on a hate campaign while her "enemy" is focusing on improving skills and winning the favor of coaches and judges through hard work and a winning attitude. You do the math.

     In the professional world, you might get a job by putting others down or undermining their efforts, but if you're difficult to work with or frequently engage in negative gossip about others, you'll end up on the fast-track to a pink slip. No one likes to work with a meanie and it rarely works out. (Yeah, Donald Trump is an anomaly that defies explanation. We'll see how long his hate campaign holds out, or if he finds he has to employ nicer tactics to actually win votes.)

     Unless it's your intent to raise a sociopath destined to spend his/her days holding out a tin cup next to the likes of Shannen Doherty and Tonya Harding, teach your children that their top priority is to ensure others feel good when they're around them. If they have nothing nice to say, they shouldn't speak. Period. (Punish them when they do treat others badly, regardless of whether or not you think their target deserved it.) The world will be a better place if we all team up as parents and agree to do this one little thing for our kids.

     Oh, and just in case you're confused on the point, threatening to injure your child's competition or enemies is NOT going to help your baby succeed in life.



Furry Home Protection System

One of the things you lose when you become a single mom is that security blanket feeling you had when there was a man in the house at night to protect you and the kids from whatever might go bump. It's even worse when that former blanket becomes the bump.
     Over a year after my ex moved out, he decided to let himself back in by forcing his way in the front door when the girls opened it. That was a little on the scary side. The local police took only about five minutes to arrive, but by then the damage could've easily been done.
     After that, I got up one day and noticed my daughter's pool (a plastic one with a slide) and her cool little crab sandbox were gone out of the backyard. A few other things were missing. The cat and nine-pound shitzeranian had done little to warn us of the invasion, and clearly the six-foot wooden fence had not deterred the thief. My neighbors all reported car break-ins and strangers looking in their back windows, which often aren't monitored by the video security cameras which are common in our neighborhood.
     My kid leaves the back door unlocked all the time. Even though I have a monitored alarm and a video camera, there was really nothing to protect us from intruders who chose to hang out on the back porch and wait for us to open the door.
     My daughter had been begging for a puppy. I wasn't sure but decided to look at a well known, trusted pet store on the other side of town. There, we found this adorable thirty-pound bowling ball with legs and teeth. I thought he'd been passed over by other customers and was older than the other puppies. I thought wrong.
     It turned out he was a "pet quality" three-month-old Johnson's American Bulldog. And a big kisser. I signed the $900 credit card slip and lugged him out of the store. My daughter was ecstatic. I've raised large dogs, several from "aggressive" breeds, so I was confident I could form this big lump of fur and gangly limbs into a well-behaved, loving member of my family and the safety net we sorely needed.
     It's been two years and Darth Shadow is fully grown, fully trained and weighs in at a hefty 120 pounds on a good day. He's popular with the elementary school crowd since he's spent most of his days walking my daughter and I to and from school. He loves to trick-or-treat and let strangers rub his belly. He's been tackled by a chihuahua and adopted a stray bully/boxer mix we named Leia. (You may catch a theme there.) Oh, and he's let us know every time a bunny farts in the backyard. Nothing else has disappeared, and I sleep 100% better than I had in years. You see, NO ONE enters our house, or even yard, without first asking my permission and I don't have to worry about my big boy accidentally taking out a member of my family because his nose is a lot smarter than your average handgun. (None of those in my house BTW. Never will be.)
     Am I afraid of him chasing down neighborhood kids and eating them like you see bullies doing on the news? Absolutely not! I raised my baby bully well and he's better behaved than most of the ten-pounders I know. He's gotten out a couple of times. He let our neighbor walk him to the front door and eagerly ran right back inside the house. (You see, his food and water are inside. Why stay out?) Okay, the last time he sent the lawn crew scrambling to their truck, but that's because they insist upon teasing him through the back door and windows on a regular basis. He didn't try to bite any of them but it sure gave me a good laugh watching them scatter. They haven't teased him since and have learned to check over the fence to make sure he's inside before opening the gate.
     He's so friendly, can he really provide us effective protection? A few months ago, my daughter ran out the back door to find a forty pound bobcat waiting for her. That could've gone pretty badly but the cat wasn't interested in tussling with a dog three times his size, so it yowled its disapproval and hopped the fence, never to return. Our neighbors once again had issues with theft and break-ins. We did not.
     So, if you're a single mom and wondering how to keep your family safe, regardless of where you live, I highly recommend a dog. Don't go with the giant American Bulldog unless you're experienced in training the tougher breeds. (Raise a bully wrong and things can go horrifically awry.) However, even your basic Labrador will be an outstanding deterrent to anyone looking for an easy target, human, mammal or otherwise. All you have to do is feed him, train him (10 minutes a day), and love him. An occasional trip to the vet and a big bag of treats round out the cost of your new furry personal protection system, except this one will warm your feet, fetch balls and dole out wet kisses in return.

Rant: Capitalizing on Confused Kids

<Begin rant>
In general, I'm an excessively mellow person. I'll admit, I get compared to a certain pointy-eared sci-fi character with a penchant for logic more often than I'd like. However, recent trends in the media, entertainment, political arena and the "medical" community have sent my heart rate ticking up lately.
     Why? Let's take a step back a moment and paint the background. The brain's frontal lobe is essentially our command center. It's responsible for all decision-making. It also doesn't complete development until we are well into our twenties. Until that part of our brain has finished adding all the cells it needs to be fully functional, we really aren't capable of making completely informed, rational, permanent decisions. Theoretically, we are not fully an adult until we're done growing, which means we're basically a kid until that brain finishes, somewhere between twenty-one and twenty-five years old.
     Think about it: most kids, (yes, "kids") change their majors on average three times before they finish college, if they even finish. (At least ten to twenty percent will not because they change their minds about getting an education after they've started, or don't have the means to finish.) Studies have also shown that individuals who get married before the age of twenty-five are twice as likely to divorce as those who wait until after those frontal lobes have finished developing.
     Children under the age of eighteen have difficulty even deciding what to wear in the morning, let alone sticking to that decision. Let them choose their meal plan, most will try to live on mac & cheese, PB&J and French fries with a giant soda because they are still unable to make rational choices that override fleeting emotional preferences. Ask a kid at five, ten, twelve, fourteen, and sixteen years old what s/he wants to be when grown, you'll likely get a different answer every time. Scientific research leveraging mounds of data has proven time and time again that children under 21 years of age simply are not equipped to make adult decisions.
     So why the $%^# are we letting kids make permanent, life-changing decisions that alter their bodies and future trajectory before their hormones have even thought about settling down, let alone their brain development completed? (Yeah, I'm talking about you, Jennings parents, and every adult that has allowed their under-age child to make a life-altering decision before they're old enough to earn a driver's license.) In the interest of a fat paycheck and their fifteen minutes of fame, adults are allowing children to make monumental decisions that are often too difficult for fully developed adults. They're chasing that heavy dose of stupidity with a shot of publicity-mongering media and political attention. Any rational adult with half a brain can see these decisions aren't being made with that child's best interests in mind. And what's worse, they're knowingly placing their children in the paths of psychopaths and bullies all for the sake of entertaining the masses and forwarding a cause.
     No, I'm not against alternative lifestyles in general. I really have no opinion since it's none of my business what others do behind closed doors. I AM against parading the sexuality of a confused teen - and they're ALL confused from 12 to pretty much 21 years old - on television and subjecting that child to the hate that is surely to follow. Let's face it, it is no secret that pursuing an "alternate" sexual lifestyle is still a dangerous undertaking in this day and age for a full grown adult. Brain development aside, no child should knowingly be placed in the path of danger, regardless of whether or not that child wants to be there. (I feel equally irritated by parents who let their kids ride bicycles and high-powered scooters on city streets without helmets or proper supervision.)
     While I'm ranting, the same goes for allowing children under the age of 18 to undergo surgical procedures without a parent or legal guardian's consent. I don't care if that surgery is a nose job, boob enhancement, abortion or sex change, it's not the kind of fully informed, rational decision an incomplete frontal lobe can make, regardless of how mature that child may appear to be on the outside. (I.e. Adult decision process re: abortion: "I do not have the means to support this child and the father has disappeared," or "I cannot safely carry a baby to term." Teen decision process: "Crap! My parents will find out I had sex with that guy they hate!")
     That aside, ANY kind of surgery on a child is a traumatic thing for a still-developing body to have to deal with because so much energy has to be diverted from growing to healing and recovery. That's the very reason my child, who suffers from a birth-defect that causes frequent reflux and vomiting, has to wait until she's eighteen before her medical professional, (top in his field), will even consider surgery. That, and you never know what her growing body might decide to do to correct the problem on its own, which is true for all of these kids.
     People, and I mean those of us over twenty-one who are making the laws and making the decisions for these kids, get a freakin' clue! Throwing a child like Jazz Jennings into a global path of psychopaths and bullies during a critical phase in life is just plain negligent. Every teen at that age goes through phases. Some choices stick and become a permanent aspect of our life, others end up being just a phase. (Yes, I had a male friend in high school we all were sure was gay. Turned out once his hormones kicked in, albeit much later than usual, that wasn't the case and he completely lost interest in that lifestyle. Meanwhile, a once boy-crazy cheerleader friend now has a female life partner 20+ years later.) Jazz won't get to properly explore him-/her-self and figure it out naturally because of the media pressure and public exposure resulting from this clear exploitation of a difficult teen journey. Without the cameras, Jazz could have explored the transgender lifestyle somewhat safely and quietly, the same way other teens experiment with who they are and who they may become. Thanks to parents who clearly chose fame and money over the protection of their child, that journey is not only public, but completely unsafe.
     The exploitation of children for entertainment, political and capital gains, (that would be the quacks performing "procedures" on kids that aren't medically necessary as well as producers who encourage parents to expose their kids to unsafe publicity for profit), needs to stop, and it needs to stop now. Let's face it, it's hard enough going through puberty and figuring out who you are without the added pressure of making adult decisions in the public eye.
     <End Rant>

Raising Success - What NOT to Do

In this upside-down world of spoiled kids and obsessive parents, I'm constantly surprised to see those excessively doting parents doing things guaranteed to permanently land Junior on the bottom rung of the success ladder. As parents, we want our kids to feel loved, enjoy life, and have what they need. For too many American parents, that translates to a life without boundaries. Not good.

My parents were lower middle class, but constantly bankrupt. Classists would claim that dictates a life in the same spot for me and my little brother. They would be completely wrong. Despite my parents' lack of personal success, I'm a top 5% wage earner, respected in my field, and constantly improving upon myself. My little brother is doing even better for himself. Sure, there are things in my life that could be better, but we all have our ups and downs, no matter how positive the sum of our lives may be.

Keeping in mind my parents' formula for success and the many failures I've seen arrive out of my upper-middle-class community, here are a few doting parent habits that make me cringe.

• Material over-indulgence: While this one should seem obvious, most of my friends and neighbors seem to completely have missed the problem with giving their kids everything they want as soon as they want it. Sure, it's nice to see that little smile of joy on your tot's face when that highly desired toy finds its' way out of the gift wrap. However, when that moment becomes every day in your life, Junior will never learn the value of earning what he wants. I read a study once (years ago) discussing why many companies were reluctant to hire Ivy League grads vs. students from less illustrious schools: immediate gratification. You see, those grads had generally grown up being handed everything they wanted and had little patience for any kind of delays when it came to success, power, or any other desires that drove them. Buying Junior the latest i-Whatever the moment it's available or killing the other parents in line on Black Friday to make sure your baby gets the hottest toy for Christmas is planting the seeds of an adult who can't wait, or work, to achieve satisfaction. In general, that translates to a young adult who never quite figures out how to earn his or her own way. Instead, limit your kid to age-appropriate, affordable and rarely timed gifts. Kid want a phone? Your hand-me-down will suffice until she finds a way to pay for her own.
• Chore avoidance: Your baby declares that chores are too much work and you instantly make the bed for him. She doesn't like carrying her own cup to the kitchen and complains about getting wet when she rinses it out, so you take it out of her hand and rinse it for her while she cheerily runs off to play. Or worse, you hire a maid/housekeeper/nanny to do everything from preparing meals to picking up after your family. End result: your child never learns basic skills required to survive in this world. Next thing you know, your homegrown office slob is losing jobs as fast as she gets them or buying new clothes because he can't figure out how to wash them.
• Awarding mediocrity: I will admit, I never let my daughter participate in activities that hand out trophies for showing up. I worked with a whole batch of young adults who'd grown up that way. They were paid well to show up for work and...you got it...chat with their friends all day. They had no internal motivation whatsoever to work hard to accomplish anything. They showed up, drew a paycheck, and got fired. They never understood why. If someone tells you to build your child's self-esteem by ensuring s/he gets an award simply for showing up and trying hard, laugh at them, then run away as fast as you can. Successful people don't get that way by "doing their best." They work hard. They fail. They dust themselves off and try again until they win. They only learned this because someone taught them that the shiny trophy was for winners, not participants. If you want to raise an emotionally healthy kid groomed for success, definitely praise his or her efforts - WHEN s/he actually tries hard, then coach him or her on how to work hard and get better at whatever skill it is required to win. Couple that with the sound advice that not everyone wins, but sometimes striving to get there is a reward in itself.
• Bottomless baby budgeting: Many parents don't want their kids to know there is a limit to their money. Others think it's too stressful to talk to their kids about money. Why should baby-girl worry about running out? They swipe the card without limits at the clothing store, electronics store, activities center, and even college. Their 5-year-old child asks for a $300 pair of boots and they buy it, often putting their own needs on a back-burner to ensure their little one never has to think about money. Instead of protecting their children, these parents are raising future bankruptcy cases. Kids as young as 5 years old are perfectly capable of learning how to budget and earn the money they need to get what they want. Instead of giving out allowances, create a chore checkbook and teach your little one to save towards specific goals. If you don't know how to do this, there are some great books on budgeting for kids as well as fun tools such as ATM-like coin banks, to get them started.
• The Bail-out: The biggest stomach twist I've had in a while was delivered via a distraught mom on an internet social group I follow who was pleading her "friends" for lawyer recommendations. She needed someone with an excellent track record of getting people out of DUI/DWI charges. Her son was 19 and well over the legal limit when he was picked up for dangerously driving under the influence. "He didn't hurt anyone." No mom, not THIS time. The repeatedly drunk man who killed one of my best friends and her mom while I was in high school hadn't either. Not before that day. By bailing him out of jail the first time and digging him out of legal hot water, this mom, like many parents before her, was only enabling a future addict and possibly murderer. While this may seem like an extreme case, preventing your kid from facing the natural consequences of his actions is only setting him up for bigger trouble later on down the road. As you can probably guess, the DUI wasn't the first time that mom had bailed Junior out of trouble. Every time he'd gotten in trouble at school, or even lost a treasured toy, she was rapidly there to solve his problems before he suffered any discomfort. Trust me, a little discomfort early in life, even a lot, does a kid a world of good in the long run. Don't want your baby to suffer? You might as well pick out his funeral clothes now, because a life without ANY consequences inevitably leads to a jail cell or an early grave.
• Destroying Roadblocks: Think Texas cheerleader mom here. Yes, that stuff is real. In fact, my daughter's dance company still hasn't fully recovered from the mom who engaged on a campaign to destroy the 10-year-old girl whose raw talent made her less capable daughter feel bad. Instead of encouraging her daughter to work harder, she tried to start fights with the other girl's mother (that mom didn't engage), spread rumors about both mom & daughter, and, when that didn't work, filed a ridiculous formal complaint about the other girl with the dance studio owner. I'm sure somewhere in her twisted mind she thinks she's helping her daughter get ahead. Instead, she's raising a future sociopathic bully who is guaranteed to NEVER surpass her peer in skill nor recognition. Truth told, not only is she setting her daughter up for failure, but she cost the girls the sense of camaraderie and team-spirit that had initially made them great. If you want your kid to "beat" his or her team-mate, first, seek professional help, and second, remember your child is going to have a better chance at success when surrounded by people who are as good as or better than he or she. People who earn success by climbing over the bodies ahead of them on the ladder inevitably end up lying on the ground alone. Truly successful people get there by fostering an environment where their whole team can succeed.

Okay, those are some of my thoughts on the topic of raising your child to succeed (or fail). Share your thoughts, (and feel free to civilly disagree) in the comments below, or answer the poll near the top right of this page.

Smart Phones, Safe Kids

Once upon a time, the whole idea of giving my child a smartphone before she was old enough to drive seemed idiotic to me. I live in one of those neighborhoods where many of the parents have more money than sense, and there were first graders showing up at my daughter's school carrying $500 phones. Wh-u-u-a-a-w-w-t? (That's Texan for "You've got to be kidding me!")
     Then her dad got weird and I got worried. She also hit third grade and started sleeping over at friends' homes. Thanks to her daddy issues, she had some serious separation anxiety. So...I gritted my teeth and gave her the Windows 7 HTC I was retiring, after locking the OS and apps down like Fort Knox. It didn't cost me anything because I was due for an upgrade and decided to skip the trade-in. (You only get a pittance of credit for your trade-in, anyway.)
     I've never been happier about a choice I made to do something that was against my more sensible, fiscally conservative nature.
     You see, my ex-, once a successful VP in his field, had become an addict. Not the smiley, midnight-munchies-craving, funny pothead kind of addict you see in movies, but a hard core cocaine-sniffing psychopath. The kind who was very good at hiding his problem. A story for another time.
    I didn't know what had gone wrong, but my mommy spidey-sense was tingling every time he was near, and my daughter had grown VERY afraid. Absent any serious proof or run-in with the law, I had no choice but to let him spend time with her. So I sent her off with my old cell phone and orders only to use it in emergencies. We didn't even load any numbers on it other than mine and her grandparents.
    So one lovely, sunny weekend, he picked her up, seemed normal, and drove off to make the 18-minute trip from my house to his parents, where he was living after being kicked out by his older, much richer girlfriend. About 45 minutes later, I got a text from my baby girl.

Mommy, I'm scared.

I replied.

Why, baby girl?

Her response.

Daddy almost had two accidents and now we're on the side of the road & he's asleep. I can't wake him up. 

    I picked up the phone and called her immediately. Once I calmed her down and found out she was closer to her grandparents' house than mine, I picked up my home phone and called them while I kept her on the line. He had awakened screaming while I was on the phone with my little girl. I told his parents and they rushed to go pick him and my daughter up.
   Giving her my old phone was the right choice.
   If your kid is not in a situation where s/he is away from you for extended periods of time and potentially needs to call where no phone will be available, then buying your 8-year-old an expensive smartphone is, well, not smart. Why? First of all, kids under 11-years-old aren't responsible enough nor do they possess sufficient decision-making skills to use today's devices safely. Many of the apps available have no parental controls whatsoever, and only the Windows platform offers any solid control via Family Safety. Online predators and identity thieves love taking advantage of kids and smartphones are an ideal platform for them to do that.
    The other reason buying your kid a fancy phone is nothing short of parental suicide is that you are very early in life establishing an expectation that your child should have the best without earning it. It may not seem like a big deal for parents who have built a habit of buying Junior the coolest, fanciest widget out there for every birthday and holiday. Guess what? Junior is going to grow up one day. He is going to think he HAS to have the BEST at all times, but he's going to start on a young adult's salary unless his last name is synonymous with a certain group of over-privileged reality-show families. He is going to go hungry if he thinks the latest high-tech MUST be his without knowing he has to save up for it and take good care of what he gets. (Or buy really good device insurance.)
    Around Christmas-time, my daughter lost the last hand-me-down phone I had given her. It was a $600 phone once upon a time. The ex- had become a guest of county law enforcement, so I felt no rush to replace that phone. She had to wait for my next upgrade. (I'm sure you'll be shocked to learn that coincided with the ex- rejoining the free world.) This time, when I handed her my Lumia 635, she was not only joyful, but eager to recite the rules of smartphone use and care. And she won't be turning off the GPS (which enables "Find my phone") to save battery every again. Much to my joy and consternation, Cortana's first response to my child was "I'm sorry, you'll need to be a bit older before I can help you." While it's awesome my squirt won't be able to use Cortana to find age-inappropriate materials on the web, it also disables some features I had hoped would help my ADHD baby manage her day, like Cortana's calendar/GPS-related prompts and the quiet hours feature that may be even more important to kids like mine than adults because of the ability to silence the phone during bed time hours but still use it to make emergency calls.

Key Takeaways:

1. Giving a kid a smartphone who doesn't have a need for it is detrimental. Go with a kid-friendly tablet instead. Preferably one with parental controls and/or kid-oriented limitations built-in.
2. The first smartphone(s) should be like the first car: used and slightly banged up with the assumption it's going to receive a few dings in the hands of its new owner.
3. If you give a mouse smartphone, you must disable the mouse's cookies. i.e. Enable parental controls and learn how to use them properly. I recommend Microsoft Family Safety with Windows. Version 10 phones should be out soon.

   

Mom 007

Right off the bat I will be dismissed and refuted by those delusional parents who think kids deserve complete privacy. (Clearly this is your first rodeo. Tsk tsk.)

Lucky for my child, I'm not just a mom, but a super-geek to boot. What this means for her is that no digital stone goes unturned in my house. That's right, "my house." Not "our house," but "my house." I pay the bills, I buy the groceries, and I do the bulk of the work. Therefore, it is "my house" and anyone not contributing to anything but the mess must bow to my will. (Just kidding!)

Back on topic: I love my child to pieces and trust her online about as far as I can throw a full-sized elephant. She is well aware of this fact and, frankly, quite happy to hear it.

You see, I am open and blatant about my spying when it comes to her online life. I've also got her on full digital lock down until she reaches legal adulthood, or, to quote Mr. Bennett of literary birth, "until [she] can spend 10 minutes of each day in a rational manner." Or moves out, which is likely to precede either of the other two qualifiers since she'll graduate at 17 on her current path and head off to Fish Camp well before her eighteenth birthday.

She was initially trepidatious about my policy of over-sight. Her friends had her convinced they had a right to privacy. (Yeah, legally that doesn't apply until you're an adult, with a few ridiculous exceptions that still have me wondering just how clueless lawmakers are these days.) Her attitude changed the day I called her out on some non-kid-friendly YouTube videos she'd watched involving anatomically corrected Ken & Barbie. She claimed a friend had told her to watch them. I didn't care. YouTube was eradicated from her devices and blocked from access. No more kitten videos, which was for the best given a search for "cute kittens" eventually morphs into naked girls dressed as kittens in the YouTube queues.

At first, she loudly lamented the loss of her favorite pastime. Then we had a rational discussion regarding why watching such drivel not only poisons her mind but can have lasting, damaging effects on her young psyche. We also discussed how predators target their pray via internet sites and the cookies they leave behind on the devices used to access them. Finally, we talked about how allowing kids her age (under 13) to view "inappropriate" content and join unmonitored social media sites was tantamount to neglect in this digital world. I let her know it was perfectly okay for her to tell her friends that her mom is a high tech/digital safety expert and digital dictator when they encourage her to do something online she knows will lead to trouble. There is no way on earth she is going to risk losing her devices altogether by breaking the rules again since nothing happens in "my house" that I don't know about. (Even my car is somewhat controlled by my smartphone, so she's already accepted she'll have no choice but to follow the rules when she starts driving in 5 years or I'll shut the engine down mid-trip via satellite.)

All said, she now feels more at ease knowing she's got impenetrable boundaries around her digital life and her mom is looking out for her safety.

Go ahead and fuss about how suppressive I am and how it might hurt her socially and developmentally. I spent the last 15+ years in a career that at times required assisting law enforcement with online predator cases, along with researching and teaching families about digital safety. The one thing I took away from that experience is that kids aren't safe online and the only way to protect them is to watch them like a vulture orbiting a dying animal in the desert. If living to see her eighteenth birthday means she misses out on the latest screaming goats videos or puppy memes, so be it. She's a bright, funny, out-going kid so I'm pretty sure she'll survive, as will her social life.

Check back later for a new page with digital safety tips and how you can be a more vigilant parent. Meanwhile, if you have kids old enough to get online, get your spy gear on and feel good knowing you're doing the right thing.