Please, Get Off My Screen Already!

There's media saturation, then there's just plain excess. These "stories" just really need to go away already. Maybe it's because they aren't really that interesting or they're just on our glowing screens way too often. Either way, they're all people, places or things that need to let go of their pixelated real-estate so something truly valuable can take their place. You've certainly exceeded your 15 minutes when even my all-things-flashy-loving pre-teen says, "What's the big deal about ____?"

In no particular order:

• Kim Kardashian's selfies. Seriously, when you've taken enough pictures of YOURSELF to fill a book, it's time to seek some help for your narcissistic personality disorder. Sadly, the profit machines in this country are highly dependent upon our obsession with all things vain and will continue to force-feed us images of the far-from-natural beauty who has nothing to contribute to our society beyond guidance on properly editing your photos to hide your flaws. Great job teaching future generations to appreciate themselves for who they really are.
• Mylie Cyrus' tongue. And breasts. Or any other part that's exposed with the intent to "shock" us. Madonna already did all of that. No one is shocked any more - just sad Hanna Montana has sunk so low that we have to eliminate her from our kids' lives. Let's face it, you're this year's Lohan. Which begs the further question: Disney Channel, why the heck are you bringing back Hannah Montana? What are moms supposed to tell their eight-year-olds when they ask why they can't go to her concert? At least first-run HM fans are old enough for her R-rated content now. But hey, let's introduce a whole new generation to Miley and sit back and laugh while their parents try to explain that painted boob!
• Donald Trump's opinions. We are not going to vote for you for President. Ever. Because you're nuts. Clear the road so someone truly qualified for the job actually has a running chance.
• Hilary Clinton. Ditto. Especially now that you've taken a selfie with Kim Kardashian. Your desperate cling to your old sense of power has simply become sad. Oh, and you're not the smartest woman in the country. Not even close. Smart women actually obey the law instead of concocting irritatingly dismissive excuses for breaking it. (Veiled reference to "I wasn't thinking about [it]" defense. Try THAT ONE the next time you get pulled over for running a stop sign.) Rather than pursuing another Presidential bid, you might consider straightening out your legal problems and keeping the interns away. Oh, and they have vitamins to help you out with that "not thinking" problem you have. Personally, I would like to believe the next leader of my country possesses sufficient mental acumen to follow security protocols designed to protect the lives of millions of my countrymen in the process of performing his or her duties.
• Caitlyn/Bruce Jenner. Whoever you are. Just because you had surgery doesn't make you a woman. Spend a week every month post-puberty lying in bed moaning in pain and bloated like a puffer fish and MAYBE we'll count you among our masses. Boobs and make-up do not make you female. Your interpretation of womanhood is actually a little insulting, to be honest and it's kind of sad you're getting so much attention from the media for doing something many have done before you, since 19-freaking-30. Then again, so does any other train wreck.
• Global warming. Guess what? Temperatures go up and down over hundreds of years. We're not even approaching historical peaks. Ice caps melt and refreeze on a fairly regular, centuries-long schedule. We're more likely to suffer from an ice age before melting ice caps become a real issue. Given the repeated droughts and lack of water so many communities suffer lately, the added atmospheric humidity (that stimulates rain) is probably a good thing. Let's face it, folks: Those pushing global warming as a serious issue are also key investors in environmental research companies. (That includes the ersatz environmentalist smoking ciggies in the White House's backyard.) They just need the rest of us to buy-in to secure their retirement plans, which will assuredly involve a gas guzzling Bentley and a home that burns enough fossil-fuel-generated power to light a small country.
• Kanye West. Dude, you're more nuts than Donald Trump. No sane person wants to hear your opinion, especially since it was clearly guided by a heavy dose of questionably legal "herbs." The only reason they put you on stage at awards ceremonies is because it's guaranteed to bump up ratings when you go off on another Mad Hatter-esque rant. You are no more qualified to run for President than my 11-year-old. Here's to hoping that little "announcement" was really just a teaser for your next artistic project. The world would certainly breathe a collective sigh of relief. On the flip side, his loved ones really should step in and get him help before he suffers a real meltdown.
• The Molestors. Josh and Jared should rent a room in the creepy-guy rehab hotel and leave the rest of us alone. Honestly, append any first name to "Duggar" and, frankly, we're already bored with you. Instead of documenting every little offense JD & JF have committed against family and religion, why don't we apply our attention toward helping the victims of these slimeball's crimes? FYI media mongrels: the occasional bad seed does not controvert the entire Christian doctrine, nor convict the entire community. There are hypocrites in every group. Stop pointing at him and any other nut-job claiming to be Christian then acting otherwise as proof the whole lot (85% of your countrymen) are bad.
• i-Anything. So 2000. Folks, even the third-place Windows phone is drastically better. You're just all too brain-washed by the clever fruit commercials to realize you're over-paying for a device made famous by a "Fart Machine" app. I'm still amazed the sheeple herd is willing to put their financial life on the same network for three of the top five data leaks in recent history. (Yes, that's where all those nude celeb selfies came from, and you're giving them your credit cards to "protect." Brilliant.)
• Deflate-gate. Really this wasn't big news to start with, but it's pretty #$%^& hilarious how the media has clung to the story. Especially after science has almost completely let the wind out of the whole conflict's balls. (Sorry, I had to.)
• Christine Ouzounian. Her only claim to fame is she may have slept with her boss, who happens to be famous. Why are we treating a shameless home-wrecker, (or wannabe, depending on which story you believe), like a celebrity? Christine, get in line. The world is riddled with "other women." You are not special and really, if you have no improvements to offer our society via your presence, should stop waving at the paparazzi and staging photo ops. (FYI - being pretty does not, in itself, improve our society.)
• Ferguson, MO. You all freaked out because a violent, strung-out gang-banger got himself shot by a white cop while doing stupid, illegal things that would get most of us shot, gun or no gun in hand. True, there may be a systemic issue between the community and the cops, but the continued focus on a bad seed who suffered the natural consequences of his poor choices just makes it look like someone's pushing for an extra five minutes of screen time rather than trying to effect real improvements. Let's shift our attention to the right issues and stop talking about "unarmed" Michael Brown a year+ later. Yes, it sucks that the police shoot people when they aren't armed, but the real problem is that the community has zero respect for them and there may or may not be a good reason why. Their designated martyr is certainly not that good reason, and may actually be reducing the effectiveness of the whole community's cry for help.