What is Feeding Your Kid's Mind?

Still in Mom007 mode until my child turns 18 AND moves out of my house, I of course follow the same entities online that she's likely to subscribe to once I let her join the social world. Yep, I will be governing what she's allowed to follow and banning those that post/tweet/whatever inappropriate content.
     The field of approved social posters is getting very narrow these days. I've noticed a trend in teen-oriented organizations to over sexualize their content, despite the fact that it's aimed at people who aren't legally old enough to give consent. This completely baffles me.
     Take Teen Vogue's recent tweet, for example:

    Follow the link and you'll find an article first informing us how the rap wasn't included or needed in the original video release, then celebrating the fact it had been added and directing us to watch the video that not only features the proclaimed "gorgeous" rapper but also includes "explicit lyrics."
     You're a magazine for teens. Teens are not legally of the age of consent, so why the heck are you encouraging them to view explicit material? Obviously, unless they grow a collective brain among their writers, Teen Vogue will be off my daughter's list until she's at least thirty. (Okay, or legally of age.) Seriously, are the key contributors Jared Fogle and his friends? (Sorry, I had to go there.)
     Being a teen is hard enough without being constantly barraged by adults who seem to think encouraging kids to engage in sexual activities is okay. Yeah, I know there are plenty of teens who are having sex out there. They're also getting pregnant and failing to raise their own kids. They're getting STDs and dying young. They're simply not mature enough to make a reasonable decision when it comes to sex, but it seems like the pressure for them to do so is coming in from every angle and we, their parents, are letting it happen.
     Parents, it's perfectly okay to limit what your kids see, especially during the critical hormone-driven teen years (13-18). It's also important to talk to your kids about the difference in healthy sexual behavior and what the media tries to sell them, because, let's face it, no matter how careful you are, they're going to see things they shouldn't. (Hulu, why ARE you advertising "Masters of Sex" during "Once Upon a Time," which is popular among 10-15 year-olds?)
     Ideally, we need to fight back. Don't just unsubscribe from those media outlets that subject your kid to adult themes, but let them know why you're no longer going to do business with them. If they hear enough of it, they will eventually respond. If we parents, as a group, stand up for our kids and end the revenue stream to those businesses who continually expose our kids to sexual or other inappropriate content, they will respond. Finally, write to your government representatives. This is happening because Federal Law has become incredibly lax in regards to content regulation over the past five or six years. Nudity, language, sexual content that were restricted in the early 2000's are now open game under the latest FCC regulations during peak kid-watching hours and among kid "friendly" outlets.
     At the very least, pay attention. ABC Family is not "family" programming. Teen magazines aren't necessarily teen-friendly. Screen the content before you let your kids view it. Ban anything that serves to brain-wash them into becoming the next willing victim of a predator or STD. BE A PARENT. So what if they think you're uncool? One day they'll understand. Maybe not until they have kids of their own to protect, but it will happen some day. And talk to them about those things they do see. Cover the hard topics, like gender issues and STDs. Remember, if you're not talking to them, someone else will, and you may not like what they have to say to your kid.

My Favorite Moms Have Faults

I know, moms are supposed to have perfect hair, cook in four-inch heels and wear a sparkly cape. I read that 50's manual explaining feminine domestic perfection. Okay, I read the first few paragraphs, spewed milk out my nose and moved on before I keeled over from laughter.
     Thanks to the pioneering efforts of our parents' sitcoms, we moms do feel a lot of pressure to live mistake-free, perfect parent lives. Since I get to carry 100% of the financial burden and 90%+ of the time raising my child, I, like most single moms, feel this pressure even more acutely.
     Or, at least I did, until I realized the women I look up to as great moms suffer from moments of imperfection, too. Here are some of my favorite foible-friendly moms:

• Late for her own funeral mom. One of my favorite people in the whole world, this mom would give you the shirt off her own back if you needed it. You may have frozen to death by the time she arrives with it, but still, she'd do her best. Of course, the reason she's late is probably because she's still trying to finish helping someone else out again.
• Gossip mom. Gotta love her! She knows EVERYTHING that's going on with EVERYONE. At least once a week she swears off Facebook forever because of all the TMI. Oh, wait. Didn't she start that thread in the first place?
• Take-over mom. Regardless of what's going on or whose kid it involves, this mom is certainly going to be in charge in short order. Sometimes that's an awesome thing. Except when it involves cleaning the family's undies.
• The terrible chef. Her kids' hair is always perfect, their grades are perfect, their clothes are sparkling clean...and they're all under 50th percentile in weight. You thought it was her amazing child-rearing skills, until you tried her casserole. (That WAS a casserole, right?)
• Discombobulated mom. She's the life of every party and her kids are a joy to be around. She is a shining example of positivity and clearly raising the most emotionally well-adjusted children on the planet. BUT, when you're cell rings and her name pops up, you can bet she's stuck on the side of the road because she forgot to put the gas in the car or needs you to watch her kids while she retraces the day's steps to locate her misplaced wallet.
• Messy mom. To the outside world, she is the picture of perfection and so are her kids. Until they've spent 10 minutes at your house and leave a trail of destruction behind them. Having given up the fight long ago, she shrugs her shoulders and offers you cash to pay a cleaning crew. And now we know why no one has been in her house in three years - which was about the time her youngest discovered the joy of confetti eggs.
• Carousel mom. She's an awesome person, dedicated to her kids, husband and church. She helps others often, keeps a perfect house and somehow always manages to know what's going on and does it while dressed just right. Unfortunately, friendship is a fleeting thing. One moment you're on the carousel, the next it's moved on. Oh wait, it's back around again. Love this mom...now if I can just catch the pony with the pink saddle, I'll get to see her more.

     Despite what Instagram, Pinterest and Facebook try to tell us, there's no such thing as the perfect mom. The greatest people in the world are flawed in some form or fashion. Maybe they know it, maybe they don't. The best ones revel in their flaws and appreciate yours.
     Remember this the next time you consider berating some poor mom and her latest mishap as a parent: if her kids survived and no one landed in jail, it's probably not worth your derision. Appreciate moms for the fact that they are just mere humans with extraordinary responsibilities and the wherewithal to tackle them without complaining (much).

Nice Kids Are Winners

I opened Twitter this morning and the first thing I noticed was the AP post talking about Rosie O'Donnell's lost teen. While this situation in itself is the kind that rips every loving parent to the core, I was sickened to see a number of comments and replies that ran along the following lines:

• Rosie is so fat she must've eaten the missing kid
• Rosie is so awful the kid probably ran away
• Let's hope the child got away safely

????????? REALLY ??????????

 





     I don't care what you think about Rosie, those types of responses demonstrate a complete lack of human emotion and are just plain awful. I'm no huge Rosie fan myself, (no offense to any readers who are), but using a story about her lost child who suffers from a known mental illness as an opportunity to insult her is simply cruel and arises, I am convinced, from being raised in an environment where being nice was never a priority.

     The type of person who responds to another person's tragedy with snark, and let's face it, there are a lot of them out there, was most likely raised by one of two types of parents: indulgers or abusers. Honestly, there's a very thin line that separates the two.

     We all know what an abuser looks like: they've rarely got anything nice to say to their kids (or others) and are often way too liberal with the corporal punishment. Indulgers, on the other hand, rarely punish their kids in any consistent, meaningful way and rarely require them to show any sort of manners toward their fellow humans.

     Let's take some of the dance moms at my daughter's studio, for example.  Most of the dance moms are perfectly normal, excellent parents who are lucky enough to have the funds and time to support their girls in one of the most expensive and time intensive activities out there. Then there is the little trio who go above and beyond the term "dance mom." They've convinced themselves and their progeny that they are the absolute best and that no one should get in their way of success. (I'm not really sure what constitutes "success" for a 10-year-old, but, you get my point.) If any other dancer is unfortunate enough to be more talented or work hard enough to out-perform their babies, they don't hesitate to express their disdain towards that child and/or her parents, as well as anyone else who befriends their target. Their daughters take note and freely gossip about the other girl(s), lie to get them in trouble, and insult them directly at every opportunity. If anyone points out the child's bad behavior, they too will be labeled "crazy" and targeted for elimination from the group.

     Not being of the MRS-breed myself, (that's Marry Rich Someday), my parents instilled in me a deep understanding of the golden rule and the importance it carries in achieving success. I've raised my daughter the same way. Not that she enacts it perfectly, but she certainly understands that not only is it important, but mandatory while living in the world I fund for her. Some have tsk-tsk'd the concept, sure that being nice will ultimately get my daughter trampled in both the dance and the real world. They are mistaking being nice for being a doormat. They are not the same.

     The most successful people in America are generally nice. They're tough, they're direct and they're focused, but they're nice most of the time. What this means is that they treat other people the way they expect, no, want to be treated. They keep vitriolic thoughts to themselves, or at least find a kind or professional way to express their disapproval. They stand up for others and what's right.

     Here are a few real world example scenarios and their outcomes:

1. The diva dancer and self-appointed leader jumped down the rest of her team's throats because she thought they were on the wrong count. An argument ensued between her and one of her co-minions, who has also been taught she is the world's greatest gift to dance. My daughter, long ago having had any sense of diva exorcised, (who is also six inches taller than the other two), told them to break it up and explained to them how important it was to treat each other like family if they wanted to be successful as a team. She went back to the choreographer, got the correct timing, and practice resumed. Now the rest of the team (a dozen other girls) are looking to her as their leader, not the divas. My daughter is good, but not the best dancer. She is, however, nice and confident enough to stand up for herself and others when it matters.
2. A boy I watched grow up was assured of his future greatness in football. His dad was a collegiate player and told him frequently that success in the sport was guaranteed because it was "in his genes." He was often awarded starting positions with little effort, based purely on his size and natural talent. Then he got to high school. He wasn't willing to work as hard as his peers and demanded the world (coach) bend to his whims. He quickly found himself facing a future on the bench, if he earned a jersey at all. He begrudgingly learned to put his head down, work hard, respect the coach and ensure his teammates did the same. By the time he graduated high school, he was a once again a starter and weighing several scholarship offers.
3. The school bully decided the tall, pretty blond was taking too much of her attention. She engaged in a social media campaign against her. The tall pretty blond was one of those girls who simply didn't know how awesome she was and paid no attention to the online bullying - even laughed it off while sending smiley faces back to her detractors and well-wishes to all.  She believed in treating others better than they expected or deserved. Homecoming court elections came and guess which of the two girls ended up representing her class as their Homecoming Princess? (Underclassmen at their school only got to choose one.) You got it, the nice girl. When it came to submitting a name, most of her classmates considered how well she treated them and how good they felt around her and happily wrote her onto the ballot.
4. When I was in high school, I worked my butt off and got promoted to the varsity basketball team as a sophomore. The first time the coach sat down the starter, a junior, to put me in, her mom spent the entire 15 minutes insulting me and the coach. Her daughter followed suit. I started the next game. And the next. And the next... (It helped that I focused on my skills and scored 20+ points per game along with always saying "Yes sir" when Coach spoke.) I spent the next two years serving as co-captain of the team.

     The short of it is, nice kids win. Whether they're playing a sport, running a school campaign, or competing for a spot on the stage, nice kids have a clear advantage over their mean opponents. You see, coaches, directors, choreographers, agents, teachers - you get the drift - prefer to work with people who have strong moral ethics and are, well, nice. Not weak, just nice. College recruiters commonly review potential recruits' social media accounts and automatically nix anyone who displays a hateful attitude or bullying behaviors online. Teaching your child to wage a war against that kid who is the better dancer is only going to expedite her failure. Why? She's busy expending her energy on a hate campaign while her "enemy" is focusing on improving skills and winning the favor of coaches and judges through hard work and a winning attitude. You do the math.

     In the professional world, you might get a job by putting others down or undermining their efforts, but if you're difficult to work with or frequently engage in negative gossip about others, you'll end up on the fast-track to a pink slip. No one likes to work with a meanie and it rarely works out. (Yeah, Donald Trump is an anomaly that defies explanation. We'll see how long his hate campaign holds out, or if he finds he has to employ nicer tactics to actually win votes.)

     Unless it's your intent to raise a sociopath destined to spend his/her days holding out a tin cup next to the likes of Shannen Doherty and Tonya Harding, teach your children that their top priority is to ensure others feel good when they're around them. If they have nothing nice to say, they shouldn't speak. Period. (Punish them when they do treat others badly, regardless of whether or not you think their target deserved it.) The world will be a better place if we all team up as parents and agree to do this one little thing for our kids.

     Oh, and just in case you're confused on the point, threatening to injure your child's competition or enemies is NOT going to help your baby succeed in life.



Furry Home Protection System

One of the things you lose when you become a single mom is that security blanket feeling you had when there was a man in the house at night to protect you and the kids from whatever might go bump. It's even worse when that former blanket becomes the bump.
     Over a year after my ex moved out, he decided to let himself back in by forcing his way in the front door when the girls opened it. That was a little on the scary side. The local police took only about five minutes to arrive, but by then the damage could've easily been done.
     After that, I got up one day and noticed my daughter's pool (a plastic one with a slide) and her cool little crab sandbox were gone out of the backyard. A few other things were missing. The cat and nine-pound shitzeranian had done little to warn us of the invasion, and clearly the six-foot wooden fence had not deterred the thief. My neighbors all reported car break-ins and strangers looking in their back windows, which often aren't monitored by the video security cameras which are common in our neighborhood.
     My kid leaves the back door unlocked all the time. Even though I have a monitored alarm and a video camera, there was really nothing to protect us from intruders who chose to hang out on the back porch and wait for us to open the door.
     My daughter had been begging for a puppy. I wasn't sure but decided to look at a well known, trusted pet store on the other side of town. There, we found this adorable thirty-pound bowling ball with legs and teeth. I thought he'd been passed over by other customers and was older than the other puppies. I thought wrong.
     It turned out he was a "pet quality" three-month-old Johnson's American Bulldog. And a big kisser. I signed the $900 credit card slip and lugged him out of the store. My daughter was ecstatic. I've raised large dogs, several from "aggressive" breeds, so I was confident I could form this big lump of fur and gangly limbs into a well-behaved, loving member of my family and the safety net we sorely needed.
     It's been two years and Darth Shadow is fully grown, fully trained and weighs in at a hefty 120 pounds on a good day. He's popular with the elementary school crowd since he's spent most of his days walking my daughter and I to and from school. He loves to trick-or-treat and let strangers rub his belly. He's been tackled by a chihuahua and adopted a stray bully/boxer mix we named Leia. (You may catch a theme there.) Oh, and he's let us know every time a bunny farts in the backyard. Nothing else has disappeared, and I sleep 100% better than I had in years. You see, NO ONE enters our house, or even yard, without first asking my permission and I don't have to worry about my big boy accidentally taking out a member of my family because his nose is a lot smarter than your average handgun. (None of those in my house BTW. Never will be.)
     Am I afraid of him chasing down neighborhood kids and eating them like you see bullies doing on the news? Absolutely not! I raised my baby bully well and he's better behaved than most of the ten-pounders I know. He's gotten out a couple of times. He let our neighbor walk him to the front door and eagerly ran right back inside the house. (You see, his food and water are inside. Why stay out?) Okay, the last time he sent the lawn crew scrambling to their truck, but that's because they insist upon teasing him through the back door and windows on a regular basis. He didn't try to bite any of them but it sure gave me a good laugh watching them scatter. They haven't teased him since and have learned to check over the fence to make sure he's inside before opening the gate.
     He's so friendly, can he really provide us effective protection? A few months ago, my daughter ran out the back door to find a forty pound bobcat waiting for her. That could've gone pretty badly but the cat wasn't interested in tussling with a dog three times his size, so it yowled its disapproval and hopped the fence, never to return. Our neighbors once again had issues with theft and break-ins. We did not.
     So, if you're a single mom and wondering how to keep your family safe, regardless of where you live, I highly recommend a dog. Don't go with the giant American Bulldog unless you're experienced in training the tougher breeds. (Raise a bully wrong and things can go horrifically awry.) However, even your basic Labrador will be an outstanding deterrent to anyone looking for an easy target, human, mammal or otherwise. All you have to do is feed him, train him (10 minutes a day), and love him. An occasional trip to the vet and a big bag of treats round out the cost of your new furry personal protection system, except this one will warm your feet, fetch balls and dole out wet kisses in return.

Rant: Capitalizing on Confused Kids

<Begin rant>
In general, I'm an excessively mellow person. I'll admit, I get compared to a certain pointy-eared sci-fi character with a penchant for logic more often than I'd like. However, recent trends in the media, entertainment, political arena and the "medical" community have sent my heart rate ticking up lately.
     Why? Let's take a step back a moment and paint the background. The brain's frontal lobe is essentially our command center. It's responsible for all decision-making. It also doesn't complete development until we are well into our twenties. Until that part of our brain has finished adding all the cells it needs to be fully functional, we really aren't capable of making completely informed, rational, permanent decisions. Theoretically, we are not fully an adult until we're done growing, which means we're basically a kid until that brain finishes, somewhere between twenty-one and twenty-five years old.
     Think about it: most kids, (yes, "kids") change their majors on average three times before they finish college, if they even finish. (At least ten to twenty percent will not because they change their minds about getting an education after they've started, or don't have the means to finish.) Studies have also shown that individuals who get married before the age of twenty-five are twice as likely to divorce as those who wait until after those frontal lobes have finished developing.
     Children under the age of eighteen have difficulty even deciding what to wear in the morning, let alone sticking to that decision. Let them choose their meal plan, most will try to live on mac & cheese, PB&J and French fries with a giant soda because they are still unable to make rational choices that override fleeting emotional preferences. Ask a kid at five, ten, twelve, fourteen, and sixteen years old what s/he wants to be when grown, you'll likely get a different answer every time. Scientific research leveraging mounds of data has proven time and time again that children under 21 years of age simply are not equipped to make adult decisions.
     So why the $%^# are we letting kids make permanent, life-changing decisions that alter their bodies and future trajectory before their hormones have even thought about settling down, let alone their brain development completed? (Yeah, I'm talking about you, Jennings parents, and every adult that has allowed their under-age child to make a life-altering decision before they're old enough to earn a driver's license.) In the interest of a fat paycheck and their fifteen minutes of fame, adults are allowing children to make monumental decisions that are often too difficult for fully developed adults. They're chasing that heavy dose of stupidity with a shot of publicity-mongering media and political attention. Any rational adult with half a brain can see these decisions aren't being made with that child's best interests in mind. And what's worse, they're knowingly placing their children in the paths of psychopaths and bullies all for the sake of entertaining the masses and forwarding a cause.
     No, I'm not against alternative lifestyles in general. I really have no opinion since it's none of my business what others do behind closed doors. I AM against parading the sexuality of a confused teen - and they're ALL confused from 12 to pretty much 21 years old - on television and subjecting that child to the hate that is surely to follow. Let's face it, it is no secret that pursuing an "alternate" sexual lifestyle is still a dangerous undertaking in this day and age for a full grown adult. Brain development aside, no child should knowingly be placed in the path of danger, regardless of whether or not that child wants to be there. (I feel equally irritated by parents who let their kids ride bicycles and high-powered scooters on city streets without helmets or proper supervision.)
     While I'm ranting, the same goes for allowing children under the age of 18 to undergo surgical procedures without a parent or legal guardian's consent. I don't care if that surgery is a nose job, boob enhancement, abortion or sex change, it's not the kind of fully informed, rational decision an incomplete frontal lobe can make, regardless of how mature that child may appear to be on the outside. (I.e. Adult decision process re: abortion: "I do not have the means to support this child and the father has disappeared," or "I cannot safely carry a baby to term." Teen decision process: "Crap! My parents will find out I had sex with that guy they hate!")
     That aside, ANY kind of surgery on a child is a traumatic thing for a still-developing body to have to deal with because so much energy has to be diverted from growing to healing and recovery. That's the very reason my child, who suffers from a birth-defect that causes frequent reflux and vomiting, has to wait until she's eighteen before her medical professional, (top in his field), will even consider surgery. That, and you never know what her growing body might decide to do to correct the problem on its own, which is true for all of these kids.
     People, and I mean those of us over twenty-one who are making the laws and making the decisions for these kids, get a freakin' clue! Throwing a child like Jazz Jennings into a global path of psychopaths and bullies during a critical phase in life is just plain negligent. Every teen at that age goes through phases. Some choices stick and become a permanent aspect of our life, others end up being just a phase. (Yes, I had a male friend in high school we all were sure was gay. Turned out once his hormones kicked in, albeit much later than usual, that wasn't the case and he completely lost interest in that lifestyle. Meanwhile, a once boy-crazy cheerleader friend now has a female life partner 20+ years later.) Jazz won't get to properly explore him-/her-self and figure it out naturally because of the media pressure and public exposure resulting from this clear exploitation of a difficult teen journey. Without the cameras, Jazz could have explored the transgender lifestyle somewhat safely and quietly, the same way other teens experiment with who they are and who they may become. Thanks to parents who clearly chose fame and money over the protection of their child, that journey is not only public, but completely unsafe.
     The exploitation of children for entertainment, political and capital gains, (that would be the quacks performing "procedures" on kids that aren't medically necessary as well as producers who encourage parents to expose their kids to unsafe publicity for profit), needs to stop, and it needs to stop now. Let's face it, it's hard enough going through puberty and figuring out who you are without the added pressure of making adult decisions in the public eye.
     <End Rant>

Raising Success - What NOT to Do

In this upside-down world of spoiled kids and obsessive parents, I'm constantly surprised to see those excessively doting parents doing things guaranteed to permanently land Junior on the bottom rung of the success ladder. As parents, we want our kids to feel loved, enjoy life, and have what they need. For too many American parents, that translates to a life without boundaries. Not good.

My parents were lower middle class, but constantly bankrupt. Classists would claim that dictates a life in the same spot for me and my little brother. They would be completely wrong. Despite my parents' lack of personal success, I'm a top 5% wage earner, respected in my field, and constantly improving upon myself. My little brother is doing even better for himself. Sure, there are things in my life that could be better, but we all have our ups and downs, no matter how positive the sum of our lives may be.

Keeping in mind my parents' formula for success and the many failures I've seen arrive out of my upper-middle-class community, here are a few doting parent habits that make me cringe.

• Material over-indulgence: While this one should seem obvious, most of my friends and neighbors seem to completely have missed the problem with giving their kids everything they want as soon as they want it. Sure, it's nice to see that little smile of joy on your tot's face when that highly desired toy finds its' way out of the gift wrap. However, when that moment becomes every day in your life, Junior will never learn the value of earning what he wants. I read a study once (years ago) discussing why many companies were reluctant to hire Ivy League grads vs. students from less illustrious schools: immediate gratification. You see, those grads had generally grown up being handed everything they wanted and had little patience for any kind of delays when it came to success, power, or any other desires that drove them. Buying Junior the latest i-Whatever the moment it's available or killing the other parents in line on Black Friday to make sure your baby gets the hottest toy for Christmas is planting the seeds of an adult who can't wait, or work, to achieve satisfaction. In general, that translates to a young adult who never quite figures out how to earn his or her own way. Instead, limit your kid to age-appropriate, affordable and rarely timed gifts. Kid want a phone? Your hand-me-down will suffice until she finds a way to pay for her own.
• Chore avoidance: Your baby declares that chores are too much work and you instantly make the bed for him. She doesn't like carrying her own cup to the kitchen and complains about getting wet when she rinses it out, so you take it out of her hand and rinse it for her while she cheerily runs off to play. Or worse, you hire a maid/housekeeper/nanny to do everything from preparing meals to picking up after your family. End result: your child never learns basic skills required to survive in this world. Next thing you know, your homegrown office slob is losing jobs as fast as she gets them or buying new clothes because he can't figure out how to wash them.
• Awarding mediocrity: I will admit, I never let my daughter participate in activities that hand out trophies for showing up. I worked with a whole batch of young adults who'd grown up that way. They were paid well to show up for work and...you got it...chat with their friends all day. They had no internal motivation whatsoever to work hard to accomplish anything. They showed up, drew a paycheck, and got fired. They never understood why. If someone tells you to build your child's self-esteem by ensuring s/he gets an award simply for showing up and trying hard, laugh at them, then run away as fast as you can. Successful people don't get that way by "doing their best." They work hard. They fail. They dust themselves off and try again until they win. They only learned this because someone taught them that the shiny trophy was for winners, not participants. If you want to raise an emotionally healthy kid groomed for success, definitely praise his or her efforts - WHEN s/he actually tries hard, then coach him or her on how to work hard and get better at whatever skill it is required to win. Couple that with the sound advice that not everyone wins, but sometimes striving to get there is a reward in itself.
• Bottomless baby budgeting: Many parents don't want their kids to know there is a limit to their money. Others think it's too stressful to talk to their kids about money. Why should baby-girl worry about running out? They swipe the card without limits at the clothing store, electronics store, activities center, and even college. Their 5-year-old child asks for a $300 pair of boots and they buy it, often putting their own needs on a back-burner to ensure their little one never has to think about money. Instead of protecting their children, these parents are raising future bankruptcy cases. Kids as young as 5 years old are perfectly capable of learning how to budget and earn the money they need to get what they want. Instead of giving out allowances, create a chore checkbook and teach your little one to save towards specific goals. If you don't know how to do this, there are some great books on budgeting for kids as well as fun tools such as ATM-like coin banks, to get them started.
• The Bail-out: The biggest stomach twist I've had in a while was delivered via a distraught mom on an internet social group I follow who was pleading her "friends" for lawyer recommendations. She needed someone with an excellent track record of getting people out of DUI/DWI charges. Her son was 19 and well over the legal limit when he was picked up for dangerously driving under the influence. "He didn't hurt anyone." No mom, not THIS time. The repeatedly drunk man who killed one of my best friends and her mom while I was in high school hadn't either. Not before that day. By bailing him out of jail the first time and digging him out of legal hot water, this mom, like many parents before her, was only enabling a future addict and possibly murderer. While this may seem like an extreme case, preventing your kid from facing the natural consequences of his actions is only setting him up for bigger trouble later on down the road. As you can probably guess, the DUI wasn't the first time that mom had bailed Junior out of trouble. Every time he'd gotten in trouble at school, or even lost a treasured toy, she was rapidly there to solve his problems before he suffered any discomfort. Trust me, a little discomfort early in life, even a lot, does a kid a world of good in the long run. Don't want your baby to suffer? You might as well pick out his funeral clothes now, because a life without ANY consequences inevitably leads to a jail cell or an early grave.
• Destroying Roadblocks: Think Texas cheerleader mom here. Yes, that stuff is real. In fact, my daughter's dance company still hasn't fully recovered from the mom who engaged on a campaign to destroy the 10-year-old girl whose raw talent made her less capable daughter feel bad. Instead of encouraging her daughter to work harder, she tried to start fights with the other girl's mother (that mom didn't engage), spread rumors about both mom & daughter, and, when that didn't work, filed a ridiculous formal complaint about the other girl with the dance studio owner. I'm sure somewhere in her twisted mind she thinks she's helping her daughter get ahead. Instead, she's raising a future sociopathic bully who is guaranteed to NEVER surpass her peer in skill nor recognition. Truth told, not only is she setting her daughter up for failure, but she cost the girls the sense of camaraderie and team-spirit that had initially made them great. If you want your kid to "beat" his or her team-mate, first, seek professional help, and second, remember your child is going to have a better chance at success when surrounded by people who are as good as or better than he or she. People who earn success by climbing over the bodies ahead of them on the ladder inevitably end up lying on the ground alone. Truly successful people get there by fostering an environment where their whole team can succeed.

Okay, those are some of my thoughts on the topic of raising your child to succeed (or fail). Share your thoughts, (and feel free to civilly disagree) in the comments below, or answer the poll near the top right of this page.

Smart Phones, Safe Kids

Once upon a time, the whole idea of giving my child a smartphone before she was old enough to drive seemed idiotic to me. I live in one of those neighborhoods where many of the parents have more money than sense, and there were first graders showing up at my daughter's school carrying $500 phones. Wh-u-u-a-a-w-w-t? (That's Texan for "You've got to be kidding me!")
     Then her dad got weird and I got worried. She also hit third grade and started sleeping over at friends' homes. Thanks to her daddy issues, she had some serious separation anxiety. So...I gritted my teeth and gave her the Windows 7 HTC I was retiring, after locking the OS and apps down like Fort Knox. It didn't cost me anything because I was due for an upgrade and decided to skip the trade-in. (You only get a pittance of credit for your trade-in, anyway.)
     I've never been happier about a choice I made to do something that was against my more sensible, fiscally conservative nature.
     You see, my ex-, once a successful VP in his field, had become an addict. Not the smiley, midnight-munchies-craving, funny pothead kind of addict you see in movies, but a hard core cocaine-sniffing psychopath. The kind who was very good at hiding his problem. A story for another time.
    I didn't know what had gone wrong, but my mommy spidey-sense was tingling every time he was near, and my daughter had grown VERY afraid. Absent any serious proof or run-in with the law, I had no choice but to let him spend time with her. So I sent her off with my old cell phone and orders only to use it in emergencies. We didn't even load any numbers on it other than mine and her grandparents.
    So one lovely, sunny weekend, he picked her up, seemed normal, and drove off to make the 18-minute trip from my house to his parents, where he was living after being kicked out by his older, much richer girlfriend. About 45 minutes later, I got a text from my baby girl.

Mommy, I'm scared.

I replied.

Why, baby girl?

Her response.

Daddy almost had two accidents and now we're on the side of the road & he's asleep. I can't wake him up. 

    I picked up the phone and called her immediately. Once I calmed her down and found out she was closer to her grandparents' house than mine, I picked up my home phone and called them while I kept her on the line. He had awakened screaming while I was on the phone with my little girl. I told his parents and they rushed to go pick him and my daughter up.
   Giving her my old phone was the right choice.
   If your kid is not in a situation where s/he is away from you for extended periods of time and potentially needs to call where no phone will be available, then buying your 8-year-old an expensive smartphone is, well, not smart. Why? First of all, kids under 11-years-old aren't responsible enough nor do they possess sufficient decision-making skills to use today's devices safely. Many of the apps available have no parental controls whatsoever, and only the Windows platform offers any solid control via Family Safety. Online predators and identity thieves love taking advantage of kids and smartphones are an ideal platform for them to do that.
    The other reason buying your kid a fancy phone is nothing short of parental suicide is that you are very early in life establishing an expectation that your child should have the best without earning it. It may not seem like a big deal for parents who have built a habit of buying Junior the coolest, fanciest widget out there for every birthday and holiday. Guess what? Junior is going to grow up one day. He is going to think he HAS to have the BEST at all times, but he's going to start on a young adult's salary unless his last name is synonymous with a certain group of over-privileged reality-show families. He is going to go hungry if he thinks the latest high-tech MUST be his without knowing he has to save up for it and take good care of what he gets. (Or buy really good device insurance.)
    Around Christmas-time, my daughter lost the last hand-me-down phone I had given her. It was a $600 phone once upon a time. The ex- had become a guest of county law enforcement, so I felt no rush to replace that phone. She had to wait for my next upgrade. (I'm sure you'll be shocked to learn that coincided with the ex- rejoining the free world.) This time, when I handed her my Lumia 635, she was not only joyful, but eager to recite the rules of smartphone use and care. And she won't be turning off the GPS (which enables "Find my phone") to save battery every again. Much to my joy and consternation, Cortana's first response to my child was "I'm sorry, you'll need to be a bit older before I can help you." While it's awesome my squirt won't be able to use Cortana to find age-inappropriate materials on the web, it also disables some features I had hoped would help my ADHD baby manage her day, like Cortana's calendar/GPS-related prompts and the quiet hours feature that may be even more important to kids like mine than adults because of the ability to silence the phone during bed time hours but still use it to make emergency calls.

Key Takeaways:

1. Giving a kid a smartphone who doesn't have a need for it is detrimental. Go with a kid-friendly tablet instead. Preferably one with parental controls and/or kid-oriented limitations built-in.
2. The first smartphone(s) should be like the first car: used and slightly banged up with the assumption it's going to receive a few dings in the hands of its new owner.
3. If you give a mouse smartphone, you must disable the mouse's cookies. i.e. Enable parental controls and learn how to use them properly. I recommend Microsoft Family Safety with Windows. Version 10 phones should be out soon.