My parents were lower middle class, but constantly bankrupt. Classists would claim that dictates a life in the same spot for me and my little brother. They would be completely wrong. Despite my parents' lack of personal success, I'm a top 5% wage earner, respected in my field, and constantly improving upon myself. My little brother is doing even better for himself. Sure, there are things in my life that could be better, but we all have our ups and downs, no matter how positive the sum of our lives may be.
Keeping in mind my parents' formula for success and the many failures I've seen arrive out of my upper-middle-class community, here are a few doting parent habits that make me cringe.
- Material over-indulgence: While this one should seem obvious, most of my friends and neighbors seem to completely have missed the problem with giving their kids everything they want as soon as they want it. Sure, it's nice to see that little smile of joy on your tot's face when that highly desired toy finds its' way out of the gift wrap. However, when that moment becomes every day in your life, Junior will never learn the value of earning what he wants. I read a study once (years ago) discussing why many companies were reluctant to hire Ivy League grads vs. students from less illustrious schools: immediate gratification. You see, those grads had generally grown up being handed everything they wanted and had little patience for any kind of delays when it came to success, power, or any other desires that drove them. Buying Junior the latest i-Whatever the moment it's available or killing the other parents in line on Black Friday to make sure your baby gets the hottest toy for Christmas is planting the seeds of an adult who can't wait, or work, to achieve satisfaction. In general, that translates to a young adult who never quite figures out how to earn his or her own way. Instead, limit your kid to age-appropriate, affordable and rarely timed gifts. Kid want a phone? Your hand-me-down will suffice until she finds a way to pay for her own.
- Chore avoidance: Your baby declares that chores are too much work and you instantly make the bed for him. She doesn't like carrying her own cup to the kitchen and complains about getting wet when she rinses it out, so you take it out of her hand and rinse it for her while she cheerily runs off to play. Or worse, you hire a maid/housekeeper/nanny to do everything from preparing meals to picking up after your family. End result: your child never learns basic skills required to survive in this world. Next thing you know, your homegrown office slob is losing jobs as fast as she gets them or buying new clothes because he can't figure out how to wash them.
- Awarding mediocrity: I will admit, I never let my daughter participate in activities that hand out trophies for showing up. I worked with a whole batch of young adults who'd grown up that way. They were paid well to show up for work and...you got it...chat with their friends all day. They had no internal motivation whatsoever to work hard to accomplish anything. They showed up, drew a paycheck, and got fired. They never understood why. If someone tells you to build your child's self-esteem by ensuring s/he gets an award simply for showing up and trying hard, laugh at them, then run away as fast as you can. Successful people don't get that way by "doing their best." They work hard. They fail. They dust themselves off and try again until they win. They only learned this because someone taught them that the shiny trophy was for winners, not participants. If you want to raise an emotionally healthy kid groomed for success, definitely praise his or her efforts - WHEN s/he actually tries hard, then coach him or her on how to work hard and get better at whatever skill it is required to win. Couple that with the sound advice that not everyone wins, but sometimes striving to get there is a reward in itself.
- Bottomless baby budgeting: Many parents don't want their kids to know there is a limit to their money. Others think it's too stressful to talk to their kids about money. Why should baby-girl worry about running out? They swipe the card without limits at the clothing store, electronics store, activities center, and even college. Their 5-year-old child asks for a $300 pair of boots and they buy it, often putting their own needs on a back-burner to ensure their little one never has to think about money. Instead of protecting their children, these parents are raising future bankruptcy cases. Kids as young as 5 years old are perfectly capable of learning how to budget and earn the money they need to get what they want. Instead of giving out allowances, create a chore checkbook and teach your little one to save towards specific goals. If you don't know how to do this, there are some great books on budgeting for kids as well as fun tools such as ATM-like coin banks, to get them started.
- The Bail-out: The biggest stomach twist I've had in a while was delivered via a distraught mom on an internet social group I follow who was pleading her "friends" for lawyer recommendations. She needed someone with an excellent track record of getting people out of DUI/DWI charges. Her son was 19 and well over the legal limit when he was picked up for dangerously driving under the influence. "He didn't hurt anyone." No mom, not THIS time. The repeatedly drunk man who killed one of my best friends and her mom while I was in high school hadn't either. Not before that day. By bailing him out of jail the first time and digging him out of legal hot water, this mom, like many parents before her, was only enabling a future addict and possibly murderer. While this may seem like an extreme case, preventing your kid from facing the natural consequences of his actions is only setting him up for bigger trouble later on down the road. As you can probably guess, the DUI wasn't the first time that mom had bailed Junior out of trouble. Every time he'd gotten in trouble at school, or even lost a treasured toy, she was rapidly there to solve his problems before he suffered any discomfort. Trust me, a little discomfort early in life, even a lot, does a kid a world of good in the long run. Don't want your baby to suffer? You might as well pick out his funeral clothes now, because a life without ANY consequences inevitably leads to a jail cell or an early grave.
- Destroying Roadblocks: Think Texas cheerleader mom here. Yes, that stuff is real. In fact, my daughter's dance company still hasn't fully recovered from the mom who engaged on a campaign to destroy the 10-year-old girl whose raw talent made her less capable daughter feel bad. Instead of encouraging her daughter to work harder, she tried to start fights with the other girl's mother (that mom didn't engage), spread rumors about both mom & daughter, and, when that didn't work, filed a ridiculous formal complaint about the other girl with the dance studio owner. I'm sure somewhere in her twisted mind she thinks she's helping her daughter get ahead. Instead, she's raising a future sociopathic bully who is guaranteed to NEVER surpass her peer in skill nor recognition. Truth told, not only is she setting her daughter up for failure, but she cost the girls the sense of camaraderie and team-spirit that had initially made them great. If you want your kid to "beat" his or her team-mate, first, seek professional help, and second, remember your child is going to have a better chance at success when surrounded by people who are as good as or better than he or she. People who earn success by climbing over the bodies ahead of them on the ladder inevitably end up lying on the ground alone. Truly successful people get there by fostering an environment where their whole team can succeed.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Comments are moderated to prevent spam and keep it family-friendly. Sorry, no comments containing ads or unrelated rants will ever be approved. While constructive criticism and feedback are encouraged, no hateful, rude or otherwise pointless negativity will be allowed.