Nice Kids Are Winners

I opened Twitter this morning and the first thing I noticed was the AP post talking about Rosie O'Donnell's lost teen. While this situation in itself is the kind that rips every loving parent to the core, I was sickened to see a number of comments and replies that ran along the following lines:

• Rosie is so fat she must've eaten the missing kid
• Rosie is so awful the kid probably ran away
• Let's hope the child got away safely

????????? REALLY ??????????

 





     I don't care what you think about Rosie, those types of responses demonstrate a complete lack of human emotion and are just plain awful. I'm no huge Rosie fan myself, (no offense to any readers who are), but using a story about her lost child who suffers from a known mental illness as an opportunity to insult her is simply cruel and arises, I am convinced, from being raised in an environment where being nice was never a priority.

     The type of person who responds to another person's tragedy with snark, and let's face it, there are a lot of them out there, was most likely raised by one of two types of parents: indulgers or abusers. Honestly, there's a very thin line that separates the two.

     We all know what an abuser looks like: they've rarely got anything nice to say to their kids (or others) and are often way too liberal with the corporal punishment. Indulgers, on the other hand, rarely punish their kids in any consistent, meaningful way and rarely require them to show any sort of manners toward their fellow humans.

     Let's take some of the dance moms at my daughter's studio, for example.  Most of the dance moms are perfectly normal, excellent parents who are lucky enough to have the funds and time to support their girls in one of the most expensive and time intensive activities out there. Then there is the little trio who go above and beyond the term "dance mom." They've convinced themselves and their progeny that they are the absolute best and that no one should get in their way of success. (I'm not really sure what constitutes "success" for a 10-year-old, but, you get my point.) If any other dancer is unfortunate enough to be more talented or work hard enough to out-perform their babies, they don't hesitate to express their disdain towards that child and/or her parents, as well as anyone else who befriends their target. Their daughters take note and freely gossip about the other girl(s), lie to get them in trouble, and insult them directly at every opportunity. If anyone points out the child's bad behavior, they too will be labeled "crazy" and targeted for elimination from the group.

     Not being of the MRS-breed myself, (that's Marry Rich Someday), my parents instilled in me a deep understanding of the golden rule and the importance it carries in achieving success. I've raised my daughter the same way. Not that she enacts it perfectly, but she certainly understands that not only is it important, but mandatory while living in the world I fund for her. Some have tsk-tsk'd the concept, sure that being nice will ultimately get my daughter trampled in both the dance and the real world. They are mistaking being nice for being a doormat. They are not the same.

     The most successful people in America are generally nice. They're tough, they're direct and they're focused, but they're nice most of the time. What this means is that they treat other people the way they expect, no, want to be treated. They keep vitriolic thoughts to themselves, or at least find a kind or professional way to express their disapproval. They stand up for others and what's right.

     Here are a few real world example scenarios and their outcomes:

1. The diva dancer and self-appointed leader jumped down the rest of her team's throats because she thought they were on the wrong count. An argument ensued between her and one of her co-minions, who has also been taught she is the world's greatest gift to dance. My daughter, long ago having had any sense of diva exorcised, (who is also six inches taller than the other two), told them to break it up and explained to them how important it was to treat each other like family if they wanted to be successful as a team. She went back to the choreographer, got the correct timing, and practice resumed. Now the rest of the team (a dozen other girls) are looking to her as their leader, not the divas. My daughter is good, but not the best dancer. She is, however, nice and confident enough to stand up for herself and others when it matters.
2. A boy I watched grow up was assured of his future greatness in football. His dad was a collegiate player and told him frequently that success in the sport was guaranteed because it was "in his genes." He was often awarded starting positions with little effort, based purely on his size and natural talent. Then he got to high school. He wasn't willing to work as hard as his peers and demanded the world (coach) bend to his whims. He quickly found himself facing a future on the bench, if he earned a jersey at all. He begrudgingly learned to put his head down, work hard, respect the coach and ensure his teammates did the same. By the time he graduated high school, he was a once again a starter and weighing several scholarship offers.
3. The school bully decided the tall, pretty blond was taking too much of her attention. She engaged in a social media campaign against her. The tall pretty blond was one of those girls who simply didn't know how awesome she was and paid no attention to the online bullying - even laughed it off while sending smiley faces back to her detractors and well-wishes to all.  She believed in treating others better than they expected or deserved. Homecoming court elections came and guess which of the two girls ended up representing her class as their Homecoming Princess? (Underclassmen at their school only got to choose one.) You got it, the nice girl. When it came to submitting a name, most of her classmates considered how well she treated them and how good they felt around her and happily wrote her onto the ballot.
4. When I was in high school, I worked my butt off and got promoted to the varsity basketball team as a sophomore. The first time the coach sat down the starter, a junior, to put me in, her mom spent the entire 15 minutes insulting me and the coach. Her daughter followed suit. I started the next game. And the next. And the next... (It helped that I focused on my skills and scored 20+ points per game along with always saying "Yes sir" when Coach spoke.) I spent the next two years serving as co-captain of the team.

     The short of it is, nice kids win. Whether they're playing a sport, running a school campaign, or competing for a spot on the stage, nice kids have a clear advantage over their mean opponents. You see, coaches, directors, choreographers, agents, teachers - you get the drift - prefer to work with people who have strong moral ethics and are, well, nice. Not weak, just nice. College recruiters commonly review potential recruits' social media accounts and automatically nix anyone who displays a hateful attitude or bullying behaviors online. Teaching your child to wage a war against that kid who is the better dancer is only going to expedite her failure. Why? She's busy expending her energy on a hate campaign while her "enemy" is focusing on improving skills and winning the favor of coaches and judges through hard work and a winning attitude. You do the math.

     In the professional world, you might get a job by putting others down or undermining their efforts, but if you're difficult to work with or frequently engage in negative gossip about others, you'll end up on the fast-track to a pink slip. No one likes to work with a meanie and it rarely works out. (Yeah, Donald Trump is an anomaly that defies explanation. We'll see how long his hate campaign holds out, or if he finds he has to employ nicer tactics to actually win votes.)

     Unless it's your intent to raise a sociopath destined to spend his/her days holding out a tin cup next to the likes of Shannen Doherty and Tonya Harding, teach your children that their top priority is to ensure others feel good when they're around them. If they have nothing nice to say, they shouldn't speak. Period. (Punish them when they do treat others badly, regardless of whether or not you think their target deserved it.) The world will be a better place if we all team up as parents and agree to do this one little thing for our kids.

     Oh, and just in case you're confused on the point, threatening to injure your child's competition or enemies is NOT going to help your baby succeed in life.