Why I Struggle with "She"

It seems like such a little thing, just a pronoun. The definition is simple, isn't it? A few years ago, maybe, but not any more. I'm a woman, a science geek, a writer and a huge champion of diversity. I believe in following the rules: not just the legislated kind, but even basic things like the MLA. (Bad grammar yanks me out of my reader's reverie like a bomb going off by my head.) These are all things that make the changes to the use of the word "she" extraordinarily difficult for me. The biggest factor of all: I'm the mother of a pre-teen girl.
     In the wake of major cultural tidal waves like the Bruce to Caitlyn transition, the word "she" has suddenly lost it's way. You see, the "I am Cait" star has stirred a PC whirlwind that demands we address the man formerly known as Bruce as a woman, which also demands we use the words "she" and "Ms." when referring to Jenner 2.0.

     Despite my dedication to diversity and treating the LGBT community like anyone else, this just doesn't feel right. Here's why: "She" means the subject you're discussing is a woman or girl. The question is, how do you define a "woman?" According to Oxford Dictionary, a "woman" is "an adult human female." Note that Oxford doesn't say a woman is defined by a pair of boobs, long hair and high-heeled shoes, or even a battery of supplemental hormones. It is not defined by which gender you choose to date or to whom you feel sexual attraction. A woman is an adult human FEMALE. Nothing more, nothing less.

     So, how do we define a "female?" Again, referring to Oxford, a female is "distinguished biologically by the production of gametes (ova) that can be fertilized by male gametes." (Male gametes are known as sperm.) The scientist side of me says, "this shouldn't be confusing." Gender reassignment surgery does a lot, but it doesn't make you female. Not today. No matter what is done to the physical appearance of genitalia, no surgery today is capable of causing a male body to create female gametes (ova).
     As a woman and a mother watching a pre-teen hit puberty, I'm almost offended that anyone would have the audacity to believe that what makes me a woman, or my beautiful daughter a future woman, is a hole between our legs and a couple of mounds of fat we hide under our bras. There is a right of passage to becoming a woman, even for those who don't end up able to reproduce. We all go through it. Puberty for men is waking up to find new smells emanating from strange places, increased muscle mass and hair where it never grew before. For us ladies, it's so much more than that.
     First, there's the hair and odors, sure. Then there's the slow growth of those breasts that Caitlyn obtained for a few dollars and a few hours under the knife. Getting your buds is a big deal for a girl. It signifies your initial transition to womanhood and signals your mom that it's time to have that discussion about an upcoming need to carry feminine products in your purse. Even more difficult - it's time to talk about how to use them. You suddenly become very conscious of how different you really are from the boys. It's much more than a question of who pees standing up or which clothing section you shop in.
     Then your monthly visitor makes it's first arrival. There's fear, there's pain, there's nausea and tears. You bloat and can't squeeze into your clothes. Your hair and skin seem to belong to someone else. Places that once were firm and toned soften, take on curves. You are clearly different from your male peers. You no longer feel okay about using a bathroom marked with the wrong symbol because, frankly, the thought of having to manage your feminine needs with a guy in the next stall is mortifying. You become closer to your girl friends who are going through the same transition and see boys in a new light. New feelings overtake your stomach, your arms, your legs, your soul.
     You develop new instincts, new insecurities and new desires. Something innate, scientifically driven by your body's production of ova and all the chemical and physical changes required to support that process, drives you toward the truth of womanhood. Emotions become more intense. You cry more. You want to raise a puppy, kitten, some tiny rodent. Your nurturing instincts drive you to learn to be a good mother by practicing with a pet, but you don't understand that just yet.
     Time progresses and more elements of the female right of passage to womanhood transpire.  You fall in love, you get hurt, you bounce back. You find that your body will never be what others demand, or even what you want. You learn how to depend on your girlfriends and your mom. Those female bonds become stronger and more important to you. You begin to experience the roadblocks that so many women encounter: at school, at work, everywhere in between. You learn to cope with the ups and downs of being a woman - of pushing through doors that are only open to men and closing those of yours that men try to force open.
    You see, being a woman isn't a title you obtain through something as simple as a surgery. I don't doubt that there are men out there who feel intensely like they are female. Scientifically speaking, though, there is a significant difference between how you feel and what you biologically are. Does that mean I don't think men have the right to buy a pair of breasts and a vagina, dress in women's clothes and identify themselves as a transgender? No, it doesn't.* We all have the right to live as we choose to live. However, I think more consideration needs to be given to the fact that forcing others to call you a "woman," "she" or "Ms." when you haven't earned it through that pre-teen right of passage may be inadvertently offensive to those who have, or who are going through it now. You see, by doing so, you're basically telling us that being a woman is simply a matter of a few outward physical traits and the type of clothes you wear, reducing us to the same sexist view we have battled for generations to overcome. To that, whether I want to or not, I take offense.
   Sorry, Caitlyn Jenner, I cannot in good conscience refer to you as "she" regardless of what you and the politically correct elite demand.
    *For those sure to attack me for my views, it's important to note that I have always been a supporter of equality for the LGBT community. However, when my kid does something that offends others, I stand against it and correct her out of love because EVERYONE deserves the same level of respect. This is one of those moments. As such, this has been one of the toughest pieces I've ever written.