Yes, There Are Bullies in the Third Grade

Early on in her elementary school career, my baby girl was the epitome of "popular." It seemed we were at someone's birthday party or playdate every free moment. ADHD made her the kind of bubbly, bouncy, outgoing kid every other kid wanted to be around.

Then came third grade. By the time the holidays rolled around, the party invitations had stopped coming completely. No more playdates. She seemed very...alone. Her once ever-present smile faded. Though our house had once been the place 30-40 kids invaded for our annual holiday parties, she insisted she didn't want to have her traditional pre-Christmas party. "No one would come, anyway." She crawled into a shell and her bouts of anger and frustration hit a serious upswing. The child I'd known for eight years disappeared behind a wall of solitude and sadness, and I couldn't figure out why.

I thought maybe she was struggling at school or suffering from depression. While her interest in making good grades had certainly waned, she swore nothing was wrong. Tired of watching her sulk in front of the television for hours at a time on weekends, I'd suggest she invite one of her friends over only to get a shrug and a "she's probably busy." The only thing that seemed to interest her was dance, where signs of that happy, energetic girl would peek out here and there.

She didn't eat much, but it was hard to tell if it was emotional or the effects of her ADHD medication. Her counselor knew something was wrong but couldn't get her to talk about it. Mostly, she just said she didn't have any friends and no one would play with her at school. I talked to her teacher, who said she couldn't see a reason why the other kids would refuse to play with her. We live in an upscale neighborhood, so bullying never crossed my mind.

Then she started coming home with stains on her favorite clothes, grass in her hair and bruises on her knees and elbows. When I finally got her to talk about it, she explained that a classmate, a girl much smaller than her, had decided to make her the only person everyone was to chase during their tag game. Once my little girl's asthma kicked in and this smaller child could catch her, she'd shove her to the ground and laugh at her as she cried.

"Did you tell a teacher?" I asked, incredulous this could be happening without any adult intervention at all.

"Yeah, but then <other girl> said I just fell down and they believed her."

She was too embarrassed about having cried at recess to say anything else about it. Apparently it had gone on enough she'd been labeled a whiner by the teachers and generally ignored.

By spring time, my daughter was just a shadow of her former self. She cried and snapped often over little things. She sat alone at lunch and begged me to eat with her almost every day. She stopped paying attention to how she dressed, though "fashion" had once been a defining trademark of hers.

One evening in May, I was watching her practice dance when one of the other moms asked if we could talk. Her daughter shared both dance and school classes with mine. She had brought a friend with her to watch the class that day and the mom had overheard them talking in the backseat. The gist of the conversation was that the other girl was worried about talking to my daughter at the studio and consequently being ostracized if another girl in their class found out.  Orders were, no one was to socialize in any form or fashion with my child. Yes, the orders had come from the same little girl who'd organized the games of tag intended only to chase my daughter until she tired enough to be knocked down.

Thankfully, the mom I was talking to had already informed her daughter and their mutual classmate that what they were doing was bullying and it wasn't okay. Even though they hadn't done anything directly to bully my daughter, they had obeyed when their domineering classmate had threatened them with social extinction if they had been kind to her in anyway. As result, my child had spent most of her third grade year being told she couldn't play with other kids at recess (unless it was that targeted game of tag), sitting alone at lunch, never having a voluntary partner for class activities, and constantly being teased, humiliated and tormented by the bully's many minions. The reality was, the minions hated every minute of it but were too afraid of retribution not to follow orders

Finally knowing what was going on, I talked to my daughter that evening. "Baby, why are you letting that tiny little girl bully you? She barely comes to your armpits?"

"Because my karate teacher said we weren't allowed to hurt smaller kids. And you said not to hurt anyone."

"Honey, you don't have to hurt someone just because they're bullying you. You can stand up to a bully in other ways. Try talking to her, first. Offer to be friends, but let her know you've realized you're bigger than her and you're not going to tolerate it any more. Don't give her power over you any more. If she tells you that every seat is saved at lunch, you ignore her and sit where you want to. If she says something mean to you, laugh at her and do something silly. Let her see her opinion doesn't matter to you, and I promise she will stop picking on you."

We spent several days practicing how she would respond to a moment of bullying. By the end of the week she was ready. The moment arrived - the bully once again tried to exclude her while the teacher was out of the room. She stood over her and said, "I think it would be better if we would just be friends. Don't you want to be my friend?"

Amazingly, the bully agreed it would be easier if they were friends. Somehow, the teacher had already been apprised of the bullying and had already planned a discussion with the little girl. Soon after, she pulled her out and had a long discussion with her about bullying and established a punishment plan. (Normal school chores, a desk by the teacher, an assigned seat at lunch, etc.) She was happy the girls had resolved the issue on their own, but felt punishment was due anyway.

Today, the two girls are friends and my daughter is a champion of anti-bullying. She had her fourth grade class members all sign anti-bullying contracts that included a list of unacceptable behaviors. It took time, but she eventually established a new set of friends and re-established friendships with some old friends. She also learned that her worth is not tied to the value someone else assigns to her.

If your child suddenly seems to drastically change his or her social habits, become unusually quiet or depressed, dig a little deeper. Children with ADHD are easy targets once they enter the pre-teen years. Third grade was a little early, but it's certainly not unheard of as kids become less and less childlike every year in our society.

One thing that really stood out to me about the child who started bullying so early in life was the fact that she spent a lot of time watching TV shows that glorified hateful, bullying like behavior between kids. (Yeah, that's about half the pre-teen-targeted shows on Nickelodeon nowadays.) No one had told her those behaviors weren't normal and they weren't okay. In fact, she'd come to view them as something "cool" kids do, thanks to her television role models.

Parents, keep an eye on your kids. Your perfectly nice child may not be playing nice outside your direct line of sight. Your overly active child could be the target of teasing among peers who are rushing to grow up too soon. The only way you will know is to spend time watching your child interacting with other kids (without being seen), and to pay close attention to any changes in your child's behavior, emotional state, or social habits.

Start teaching your baby by age 6 or 7 what bullying looks like and that it's not something tolerated in your household. Bullying is never cool and often backfires on the bully. (The little third grade bully experienced almost a full year of backlash from her former minions.) Teach your child how to handle bullies early on, so that if it ever does happen, s/he knows what to do to stop it in it's tracks.

Above all, raise your kids not to bully and let them know you will be ever-present in their physical and virtual lives until they've reached adulthood, and maybe even after. Model good behavior and be clear that bullying will always be punished. Don't blow it off and someone accuses your child of bullying or being bullied. It is never kids just being kids. It is dangerous and deserves your undivided attention. ("1 out of 4 elementary-school bullies will have a criminal record by the time they are 30" according to kidshealth.org.) Be an anti-bullying force in your child's world. Her future and her life could depend on it.

Here are some great resources for parents and kids regarding bullying:
http://stompoutbullying.org/
http://www.stopbullying.gov/
http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/problems/bullies.html